The Cleveland Cavaliers suck again. At least, that's the consensus now that LeBron James has taken his talents west to the Los Angeles Lakers, leaving Ohioans with a team consisting of Kevin Love, rookie Collin Sexton and what amounts to 12 used pairs of bowling shoes. Meaning, following a nice four-year respite, being a Cleveland fan once more means staring into a dark, vapid, soulless existence.
However, while the flame of their fanhood can never be doused, Clevelanders can now rest assured some of their heartburn will.
TUMS, which depending on your age is considered relief or your daily post-meal desert, will come to the rescue on Cavs' opening night.
"Hey Cleveland, is the basketball free agency mania triggering heartburn? TUMS feels your pain and will deliver free TUMS at the first home game of next season if your star decides to take his talents to another team," said TUMS Brand Manager Valeria Saccol. "TUMS may not be able to convince him to stay in The Land, but at least we can provide heartburn relief for fans who need it."
True, only LeBron and his cronies ever called Northeast Ohio "The Land," thus rubbing in the Great One's departure even more. Of course, it's already July, meaning Cleveland Browns' training camp is right around the corner. And there is no amount of TUMS that can ever extinguish that heartache.