Hey, tough guy. Welcome to summer, the hardest season of the year to be tough in. Not only are you dealing with things like shorts and sunburns and scary thunderstorms that get between you and maximum toughness, you also have to contend with the dreaded summer cocktail. A pastel splash of watermelon this and wussy-melon that, these sorry excuses for booze have stupid names, no protein, and probably won’t even put any hair on your already pretty hairy chest. But you can only resist the season (and siren song of a slushy lemonade) for so long, so put down the barbell, stop counting (we know you’re not actually at 999), and dive in. The water is fine, and as you’ll see, the drinks are delicious.
Ask any bar buff worth their Margarita salt, and they’ll tell you this bitter, bubbly Italian classic is back in a big way—even if it’s not exactly Rocky's tipple of choice (that was raw eggs, if we remember correctly).
3 parts Prosecco
2 parts Aperol
1 part soda
Pour prosecco over ice, top with Aperol and soda, garnish with an orange wedge.
How to buff it up: Swap the Prosecco for a Gose-style beer, which adds a sour bite and, you know, beer.
This very pink island classic has long been a vacation staple…largely because you’re 1,000 miles from the nearest friend who could potentially plaster a photo of you drinking it all over Instagram.
2 parts dark rum
2 parts white rum
2 parts passionfruit juice
1 part lime juice
1 part orange juice
½ part simple syrup
Combine ingredients in a cocktail shaker and fill with ice. Shake, strain, and garnish with an orange wheel and maraschino cherry.
How to buff it up: Add a blast of Plantation’s Old Fashioned Traditional Dark Overproof, a punch-ready, pirate-approved rum blend bottled at 69% abv for maximum ass-kickage.
The Tammy to your Tom Collins, the Gin Fizz is a frothy, fizzy classic that you’d be all too happy to let your girlfriend order for you.
2 parts Plymouth gin
1 part lemon juice
1 part club soda
1 part egg white
¾ part simple syrup
Pour the club soda into a Collins glass and set aside. Then combine the rest of the ingredients and a shake for 10 seconds. Add ice and shake some more. Finally double strain into the Collins glass and serve.
How to buff it up: Take the remaining 11 eggs and fry them in a pan with bacon grease over a campfire on top of a mountain while fighting a bear.
Together the spritz, fizz, and cooler have joined forces to turn summer cocktail culture into your grandma's porch. You wouldn’t be caught dead ordering one of these, but hey, what happens in Vegas, well, you know.
2 ½ parts vodka or gin
2 parts lime juice
¾ part agave nectar
3 dashes bitters
4 cucumber slices
Place ingredients in a cocktail shaker, fill with ice, shake, and strain. Garnish with a cucumber ribbon and mint sprig before serving.
How to buff it up: In the words of ol' Pete Clemenza, “leave the cucumber, take the jalapeno.” Or something like that…
SPIKED LEMONADE SLUSHY
We know what you’re thinking: A lemonade slushy? What am I, seven? Then again, think about gloriously simple life was when you were seven. Then think about how good a boozy lemonade slushy would be right now. Yep, now you’re starting to come around…
8 cups ice
3 cups vodka
2 cups frozen lemonade concentrate, unthawed
Throw everything in a blender, blend it up, pour it out, and put it in the fridge for later (if you can wait that long).