To Beard Or Not To Beard
November 02, 2018

10 guys who should NEVER participate in No-Shave November

Arnold Palmer Invitational presented by MasterCard - Final Round

Arnold Palmer Invitational presented by MasterCard - Final Round

during the final round of the 2013 Arnold Palmer Invitational Presented by Mastercard at Bay Hill Golf and Country Club on March 24, 2013 in Orlando, Florida.

Photo by: Sam Greenwood

Sam Greenwood

My fellow Americans, welcome to No-Shave November, an annual celebration of letting yourself go that finds men from San Diego to Saskatchewan banding together to fight cancer...and society’s tyrannical demand that they look “presentable” while studying the cooking directions of an Easy Mac container in the grocery store for 10 consecutive minutes. But as mother always says, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should, and if you’re one of the beard-challenged gentlemen on the list below, you most definitely should not.

15-Year-Olds

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There’s no need to rush, kid. There will be plenty of time to stumble through one embarrassing facial hair phase after the next when you’re a grown man with responsibilities, a career, and several online dating profiles.

35-Year-Olds With the Facial Hair of 15-Year-Olds

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AFP_HF5A4.jpg

As Clint Eastwood once said, “A man’s got to know his limitations,” and if you're not taking advice from Clint Eastwood, then who the hell are you taking it from?

Big soup guys

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Screen Shot 2018-11-01 at 4.35.14 PM.png

Chili, turkey chili, gumbo, jumbalaya, Italian wedding, minestrone, butternut squash, split pea, tomato, tomato bisque, chicken noodle, beef noodle, broccoli cheddar, and even lentil. If you’re bullish about beards, be bearish about soup.

Cafeteria chefs by trade

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south-park-chef.jpg

Jeff at the office cafe may give you extra meat on Taco Tuesdays, but if he starts growing out the ol’ chin forest, stick to Chipotle until December 1st.

People on trial for murder

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The right beard can do a lot for a man’s face...but it will always make you look like you did it.

Tiger

Arnold Palmer Invitational presented by MasterCard - Final Round

Arnold Palmer Invitational presented by MasterCard - Final Round

ORLANDO, FL - MARCH 25: Tiger Woods plays a shot on the 5th hole during the final round of the Arnold Palmer Invitational presented by MasterCard at the Bay Hill Club and Lodge on March 25, 2013 in Orlando, Florida. (Photo by Sam Greenwood/Getty Images)

Photo by: Sam Greenwood

Sam Greenwood

Remember the goatee years? Yeah, neither do we.

You if you’re going to your partner's for Thanksgiving

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Screen Shot 2018-11-01 at 4.47.12 PM.png

Either your future ex father-in-law is clean shaven—in which case don't be the random beardo—or he has a beard and suddenly the whole thing just became a big beard-swinging competition. No matter what, you can’t win, so play it safe and go 5 o’clock shadow.

Flannel shirt agnostics

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Jake-Gyllenhaal-Nocturnal-Animals-Set-Pictures.jpg

If your closet doesn’t include at least three flannel shirts, you haven’t earned the right to grow a beard. There are millions of men across this great nation sweating through woolen plaid in the dead of July just for the right to be called beard guys. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Gillette: The Best a Man Can Get Sales VPs

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Because nothing shows off the stubble-stopping power of a new laser-guided titanium 12-blade razor like baby-bottom cheeks and Superman’s chin.

Anyone who plans to dangle ornaments from their damn facial hair

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Screen Shot 2018-11-01 at 4.59.51 PM.png

Turn your beard into a Christmas tree and get your beard card revoked. These are the rules and they are unflinching.