My fellow Americans, welcome to No-Shave November, an annual celebration of letting yourself go that finds men from San Diego to Saskatchewan banding together to fight cancer...and society’s tyrannical demand that they look “presentable” while studying the cooking directions of an Easy Mac container in the grocery store for 10 consecutive minutes. But as mother always says, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should, and if you’re one of the beard-challenged gentlemen on the list below, you most definitely should not.
There’s no need to rush, kid. There will be plenty of time to stumble through one embarrassing facial hair phase after the next when you’re a grown man with responsibilities, a career, and several online dating profiles.
35-Year-Olds With the Facial Hair of 15-Year-Olds
As Clint Eastwood once said, “A man’s got to know his limitations,” and if you're not taking advice from Clint Eastwood, then who the hell are you taking it from?
Big soup guys
Chili, turkey chili, gumbo, jumbalaya, Italian wedding, minestrone, butternut squash, split pea, tomato, tomato bisque, chicken noodle, beef noodle, broccoli cheddar, and even lentil. If you’re bullish about beards, be bearish about soup.
Cafeteria chefs by trade
Jeff at the office cafe may give you extra meat on Taco Tuesdays, but if he starts growing out the ol’ chin forest, stick to Chipotle until December 1st.
People on trial for murder
The right beard can do a lot for a man’s face...but it will always make you look like you did it.
Remember the goatee years? Yeah, neither do we.
You if you’re going to your partner's for Thanksgiving
Either your future ex father-in-law is clean shaven—in which case don't be the random beardo—or he has a beard and suddenly the whole thing just became a big beard-swinging competition. No matter what, you can’t win, so play it safe and go 5 o’clock shadow.
Flannel shirt agnostics
If your closet doesn’t include at least three flannel shirts, you haven’t earned the right to grow a beard. There are millions of men across this great nation sweating through woolen plaid in the dead of July just for the right to be called beard guys. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
Gillette: The Best a Man Can Get Sales VPs
Because nothing shows off the stubble-stopping power of a new laser-guided titanium 12-blade razor like baby-bottom cheeks and Superman’s chin.
Anyone who plans to dangle ornaments from their damn facial hair
Turn your beard into a Christmas tree and get your beard card revoked. These are the rules and they are unflinching.