Mental Warfare
April 28, 2020

What if golf had "Jordan rules" ?

We know, we know, another "The Last Dance," Michael Jordan-related post. What do you want from us? There's simply nothing else right now.

At least this time, we're taking a different approach. Rather than rehashing something that occurred during episodes three and four Sunday night (as fun as it is), we came up with our own spin on the "Jordan Rules," golf style. What are the "Jordan Rules," you ask? Ok, we'll rehash that:

One key one left out here was that if Jordan looks to get airborne, don't let him. Basically, put him on the ground. The rules were so effective that the Detroit Pistons were able to beat the Chicago Bulls in a playoff series three straight times, forcing Jordan to completely change his offseason routine and bulk up to deliver the punishment rather than take it.

Physically punishing your opponent is not something you can get away with on the golf course, but there are plenty of ways to get inside your most-hated rival's head. The type of mental warfare that can finally get you over the hump against that 12 handicap that magically shoots 78 while catching five shots from you in your Saturday morning match.

To beat that guy, you need your own set of "Jordan Rules." We did our best to help with some of the more realistic ones you can actually employ, and some not-so-realistic ones that could get you kicked out of your club. But hey, at least you'll go out swinging.

Make them putt everything out

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Five-footers for double, knee-knockers for par to halve. Hell, if that thing is hanging on the edge of the cup, make sure you hear it rattle the bottom.

Never help them look for their ball

To really mess with them, say you "had it on line with that tree," and point out a tree nowhere near where the ball went.

Repeatedly stand in a spot where your shadow is in their view at address

ARIA Resort & Casino's 13th Annual Michael Jordan Celebrity Invitational At Shadow Creek - Day 4

Isaac Brekken

This one hinges on the sun being out. Look, these rules aren't perfect.

Ask if they inhale or exhale at contact

Which one do you do? Who cares. But now you're going to be thinking about it next time you play. Mission accomplished.

Say "good speed" every time they leave a putt short

If they don't punch you in the face by the fourth time you do this, you ain't doing it right.

Loosen their bag strap on the golf cart

USA team captain Tom Kite and Michael Jordan

Craig Jones

When the clubs eventually fall, ask your opponent if they pulled tight enough on the strap at the beginning of the round, implying that they're weak.

Ask "you sure that's enough club?" on every single par 3

Really drive home the "they're weak" point.

Yell "looks tight!" while up near the green after they've hit their approach 25 feet from the hole

There is absolutely nothing worse in golf than false hope.

Scream "got it!" when they're looking for their ball in the rough, then say "whoops, just a leaf."

A close cousin of "looks tight!"

Offer unsolicited swing advice any time the mood strikes

Unsolicited swing advice should be grounds for a two-year prison sentence.

If you somehow lose, walk off without shaking hands

Twenty years later, after being left off the inter-club Ryder Cup team, you can just apologize and say "that's how it was back then, when you lost you left the green," despite all the evidence pointing to the contrary.