Happy Monday, earthlings! Unless you were off planet for a little intergalactic R&R this weekend, you've probably already heard that Andrew Luck—presumptive Hall of Fame book club signal caller—announced his shock retirement from the NFL on Saturday night at the age of 29. Citing near-constant injuries and psycho-emotional exhaustion stemming from the rehab of said injuries, Luck said, "I haven't been able to live the life I want to live. It's taken the joy out of this game...the only way forward for me is to remove myself from football."
Perhaps unsurprisingly, this perfectly rational personal decision was met with an immediate onslaught of talking bobblehead criticism, starting with Colts fans, who booed Luck on the sidelines after Adam Schefter broke the news midway through the Colts 27-17 preseason loss to the Bears, before spreading through Twitter like a flesh-eating disease. Even unimpeachable arbiter of humanity O.J. Simpson felt the need to weigh in on the real-life decision—which Luck called "the hardest" he's ever had to make—of his fantasy football quarterback moments after the announcement.
The laziest criticism, however, came by way of Fox Sports' (who saw that coming?) Doug Gottlieb, who, in keeping with the performative tone-deafness of Fox News' sportier cousin, tweeted the following on Saturday:
Thankfully for 10 Gottliebs babbling away on social media like a broken Furby, there a remain a few voices of reason, including Troy Aikman—actual former NFL quarterback and probably the last guy we thought we'd be championing this morning—who bent Gottlieb's tweet over his knee on Sunday night and delivered a healthy dose of whoop-ass. BAH GOD THAT'S AIKMAN'S MUSIC...
"That's total bullsh*t Doug," may be the single best coup de grace from a blue check mark in the long, proud history of retweets, subtweets, and replies. Partly because it's true, and partly because Aikman [whispers] also works for Fox. Company man he ain't. But while that corner office promotion may not be coming any time soon, at least Aikman can walk the halls of Bad Take HQ with his head held high while Gottlieb cowers in the break room hiding behind the vending machine.