As football approaches once again, so does the familiar stress cocktail of broken remotes, mangled cuticles, and steam-valve blood pressure. It’s sports at its most glacial and gut-wrenching, and no matter what you try—yoga, chamomile tee, that Sounds of the Ocean CD your children who just want their dad back got you—the Autumn angst can still be too much handle. At least until now...
Thankfully, the NFL, in their ongoing effort to improve the marriage success rate of football fans across the America, just rolled out a comprehensive line of fidget spinners that are sure to keep you cool, calm, and collected UNTIL [bleeeep] DROPS THE [bleep bleep] BALL FOR THE 100TH [bleep] TIME [bleep]. Don’t believe us? Just settle in, call your therapist, and spin off into the singular, life-altering release of a $9.99 piece of Titans-branded Chinese plastic.
This one may look like a twisted equestrian remake of Human Centipede, but we know you'll try anything to numb that post-Peyton pain.
Good news, Falcons fans. With the help of a certified hypnotherapist and this Dirty Bird-approved spinner, you’ll be able to enter a state of blissful altered reality where the scoreboard always reads 28-3 and Tom Brady’s tortured howls ring like a songbird’s sweet melody for eternity.
Once you get this one spinning fast, you can barely tell how racist it is! Wheeee!
This Eagles-themed spinner almost looks like a ninja star, perfect for the Philly faithful who want something other than snowballs to throw at Santa Claus this year.
Hey Bill fans! This one looks like a football—something you haven’t seen in January since Niagara Falls was a dinosaur shower!
Don’t get this one though. Due to a factory defect, they all come deflated (yes, we’re still doing this).
We have no idea what a fidget cube is, but be careful. HAVE WE FORGOTTEN THE LESSONS OF HELLRAISER ALREADY, AMERICA?!
If you’re a Browns fan, nothing can f—ing save you. Save your $9.99 for a cyanide pill and be done with it.
See the NFL's entire line of fidgety football fun here.