On Wednesday, the Minnesota Vikings—the same franchise that once employed Jared Allen and uses a Scandinavian war chant as its calling card—became the first NFL team to hire a dedicated "Gen-Z Advisor." Scooping up an 18-year-old author, speaker and human milk money dispenser Jonah Stillman, the Vikings have now shored up their next-generation liaison position for years to come. No disruptive industry innovation arrives without a few growing pains, of course, but here's what to expect from Stillman and Co. once Homecoming Committee wraps up later this fall.
Score is no longer kept. Instead, teams will be awarded ribbons for effort, open-mindedness towards new plays and overall squad synergy.
Halftime orange slices to be replaced by locally sourced avocado spears.
Team plans to beta-test new Gatorade cold-brew.
Locker rooms will be replaced by a collaborative open-plan work space. Plans to replace sideline benches with bean bag chairs are currently under consideration.
Cash is no longer an accepted form of payment at US Bank Stadium. Fans are encouraged to use Venmo with fun beer emojis instead.
Team has hired Cam Newton's stylist as the NFL's first "Post-Game Aesthetic Consultant."
All Vikings games will now be available exclusively on your parents' cable subscription.
All players have been re-signed to freelance contracts.
Halftime festivities will be silent 15-minute periods of remembrance for those oppressed by ancient Viking hordes.
Stadium shop to add customizable male rompers made entirely of purple mesh for select games.