Jason Statham IS Bruce Willis OR Someone Who Looks Very Much Like Bruce Willis in the trailer for “The Meg,” which, at the risk of resorting to exhausting internet-style hyperbole, is the best trailer in the history of the world. A shark-attack thriller in the vein of “Jaws, “Jaws II,” “Jaws XVII,” the one with Blake Lively’s wetsuit and every other aquatic death film that’s come out adjacent to Shark Week, “The Meg” is basically a remake of “Deep Blue Sea” without the LL Cool J theme song (sad face) and opens Aug. 10.
But you don’t need to see it, because look at this trailer. It’s got Spear Gun Statham and fleeing bikinied beachgoers and oversized tentacles and music by Bobby Darin (Google him, millennials), because thanks to “Deadpool” we’re all going to endure about 90 more years of inappropriately lively songs laid over scenes of horrific violence. Can’t be that long until that trick goes and … ahem … jumps the shark.
But that’s the sole down moment in a trailer full of winners. SUCH AS:
Jason Statham’s impeccably groomed beard. Look, he’s had stubble before, but never with such precision edges. It looks like he shaved with a protractor. You could sharpen a dwarf’s axe on that thing.
Doomed undersea science-y places. The action appears to begin in a Floating Undersea Research Station, which looks like where Jar Jar Binks is from but is even more doomed. It’s a perfect setting for submerged terror: underwater, inescapable and claustrophobic. Plus, the inhabitants have clearly been around long enough that their kids live there and bring toys. (MOVIE TRIVIA: In all of American cinema, the number of times something good happens in floating undersea research stations is a piping hot zero. Remember the one in The Abyss? No, because it got shoved into the Marianas Trench, I think.)
The Slo-Mo Object Drop of Doom: 0.3 seconds into the trailer, a child is chasing a Delightful Toy down a hallway, and we all know what that means: SHARK FOOD. Obviously, Shark Food picks up the toy, and obviously Shark Food drops the toy in full-on Keyser Soze slow motion, and even more obviously there’s the shark, trying to eat her through the glass, which is impossible to do, which you know if you’ve ever eaten at a salad bar.
A small and terrible dog probably gets eaten. You dog nerds get as indignant as you please, but if that little teacup Swiffer doesn’t turn into a Clif Bar for the Meg, I will stand up and demand a refund for the entire theater. I don’t go to “The Meg” to watch little dogs not get eaten.
“That thing is out there. We need to find it and kill it.” “Had a pretty long day writing dialogue today, honey.” — Something someone probably said a few months ago.
All of Your Major Demographic Checklists: This movie is Trump’s nightmare: There’s a Chinese lady, an Indian guy, Girlpunk Sleevetattoo, Rainn Wilson, a guy who looks like Cedric the Entertainer and the 2018 edition of Wayne Knight who will Absolutely 100% Get Chowed On First. Seriously, if the sweaty bearded nerd does not turn into shark poop in the first 45 minutes of the movie I owe you all a Coke. (Bonus, part of the movie appears to take place in Avatar, so we can even check the Navi box.)
Get ready for the thrilling power of SUCTION! TWIST: The dark deep depths contain not only The Meg, but also The Squid, which attempts to crush The Female Lead, whose plight is verified by the PRESSURE WARNING alarm that the inventors of her dangercraft throughfully remembered to install. BUT WAIT, The Squid is then turned into a Happy Meal by THE MEG AGAIN. It’s basically Godzilla vs. Mothra, but underwater, and with less fire, MAYBE.
Rainn Wilson looking like Jack Nicholson. Is this just me?
“Chew on this, you ugly b(hasty edit)”. “Had a pretty long day writing dialogue today, honey.” Something someone probably said a few months ago. (UPDATE: This movie has THREE CREDITED WRITERS, much like “The Great Gatsby” and “Macbeth.”)
Movie self-awareness is the best thing about 2018. Look, we all saw “Justice League.” A little self-awareness goes a long way, and any shark-attack film that includes a scene of a floor mop/dog paddling away from a prehistoric beast is A-OK with us. You do you, “The Meg,” and we’ll be there on opening night, UNLESS we learn the dog survives, in which case we’ll just rent “Deep Blue Sea” and wait for you to fix your errors in the director’s cut.