The 48 most popular Halloween costumes of 2017 (that you probably can't pull off)
October is here, which means the "seasonal" aisle has gone from bikinis to broomsticks. There's plenty of time to think of the perfect costume, alas, a lot of costumes suck, either because they suck or because too many people "think" of them. And I don't mean the timeless ghosts, vampires, and sexy cats. I mean the cliche, corny, or crass costumes of contemporary pop culture. So please: Be kind to other partygoers. Don't embarrass your S.O. And don't be a Dick-in-a-Box guy.
So without much ado at all, here's a list of the Top 48 Most Popular Costumes of 2017. Some in particular order.
Donald Trump: It's going to happen. A lot. But don't do it.
The solar eclipse: Probably someone wearing all black and shades.
"What are you?" "I'm the eclipse." "Oh, snap!"
(Also, an eclipse wearing shades makes no sense. Eclipse shades makes even less sense.)
Zombie Taylor Swift: No one's making you do it, so please don't.
Covfeve: I'm not sure what this looks like, but you're going to see it.
Fake News: Please don't wear a goddamn CNN box on your head.
Chris Cornell: Don't do it.
Hillary Clinton: It's gonna happen, lovers and haters alike, but we can all do our part by resisting.
Dick-in-a-Box guy/guys: A stupid but perennial offense.
Pennywise the Clown, from It: Low-hanging fruit. (Acceptable: A pun on the band, Chucky costumes, et al.)
Beyonce "Mother and Child" pregnancy announcement: If your name isn't Beyonce you can't do it. If your name is Beyonce and you're not pregnant you can't do it, either.
Wonder Woman: Always a classic! Except this year.
Sean Spicer in the bushes: Seen it.
Cherry pie from Twin Peaks: Only if paired with a cup of joe. Cup of covfefe acceptable.
FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper from Twin Peaks: Wear a suit you already own and slick your hair. Might as well tell every woman you talk to that you're trying to pick her up.
Evil Cooper: Of course you did.
Chester Bennington: Too soon.
Tom Petty: WAY too soon. When you see a Petty out there, tell that son-of-a-bitch where to get off. Don't back down. That's not a pun, either–that's an imperative from beyond.
PFT Commenter: You're going to try to be as funny as he is and it's just going to piss everyone off.
Trump/Hitler: AKA "Donald Trump with eyeliner under his nose."
Golfer Trump: Too much of this one already.
Donald Trump Jr.: Punch up.
Eric Trump: Punch up.
Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump: Two ways to do this. One is to make a model of the other's head and attach it to your shoulder. The other is a two-man horse type deal. I actually like both of these. I just wanted to share my idea.
Ivanka Trump: The female equivalent of the FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper violation.
Javanka: Ivanka Trump and Dale Cooper violations.
Kyrie Irving: Basically a Dale Cooper violation, but licking his lips and talking about how the earth is flat. This will irritate everyone in about three seconds, so make a quick Irish goodbye.
An Irish goodbye: Pretty good idea, eh?
Equifax: Just don't wear a sign that says "Equifax."
Vladimir Putin: Donald Trump violation.
Shirtless Vladimir Putin: Donald Trump violation, plus exposed nipples.
Steven Seagal: One exception: If you're dressed as Zangief and someone mistakes you for Steven Seagal, you may be Steven Seagal in that person's presence.
A porg, or a plurality thereof: If you don't know what porgs are, you don't want to know, but you'll find out anyway, so here.
Snapchat hot dog filter: That won't be ketchup on your nose, pal.
The Mooch: Even he doesn't want to be him.
A bump stock: Some asshole will do it.
A 28-3 (couples costume): Not if you have friends who are Falcons fans and you care about their mental health.
Final Fantasy numbers 1-15: Unless you've got 14 friends with you and/or plan on playing D&D at your house and being condescending to children who come to your door in their store-bought Final Fantasy costumes.
Guy checking out another girl meme: This costume devolves almost immediately into Three People in T-shirts and Jeans Standing and Sitting in Different places Throughout the Night.
Wolverine: Every. Damn. Year. (Also: Shirtless Vladimir Putin violation.)
Kevin Durant: Yoda au Courant.
Green Jacket Sergio: Dale Cooper violation.
Shifty-eyed Michelle Obama holding Tiffany's box: Seems esoteric, but just you wait.
Offred from The Handmaids Tale: Does not exist. (Well. We can hope.)
Jon Snow from Game of Thrones: Resurrected every year.
Jonarys: Javanka violation.
Ned Stark from GoT: Use your head.
Fidget spinner: Unless you can make it spin. (Not so fast: This exception does not apply to Dick-in-a-Box guys.)