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Let's be the only people online to break down the 'Star Wars: The Last Jedi' trailer

October 10, 2017

Rejoice with me, Internet, for this day we can stop stocking the panic room with Spam and Pop-Tarts and briefly pause from remembering that Hollywood is apparently filled with fat entitled sex offenders BECAUSE THE “STAR WARS” TRAILER DROPPED LAST NIGHT, during a piping hot matchup between the (shuffles papers) 2-2 Vikings and 1-3 Bears? God, no wonder Disney jammed space movie news into football. (That massive low rumble you heard at 10:03 p.m. was everyone changing the channel.)

The release of any “Star Wars” trailer causes all fans to ignite their lightsabers in glee and most of them to spend the next day online. So let’s go through the trailer, piece by piece, and see if we can ruin some surprises for when the movie arrives on Dec. 15. Tickets, like I need to tell you this, are on sale already.

Things We Learned From the “Last Jedi” Trailer:

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This season’s hot color is red: Red lightsabers! Red caverns! Red backgrounds! Red all over the poster! And in the trailer’s coolest effect, red dust under the layer of stark white on a new planet described as a “mineral world” on the official site, indicating that the last Jedi is into geology. I am diving deep into my English degree to remind you that red generally denotes evil things winning, so do not plan to leave “The Last Jedi” with a lively spring in your step.

Kylo Ren might go rogue: Unless I’m missing something, there’s a shot in this trailer of Han Solo’s needy offspring smashing his fancy samurai helmet, and a shot in the first trailer of said helmet smoking on the ground. Is Kylo smashing his headgear in a form of rebellion against the First Order? Or does his scar just hurt?

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Snoke is a real and gross thing: In “The Force Awakens,” Snoke appeared as a hologram who projected himself at 50X zoom to try to get control of Kylo Ren and General Hux’s mean-girls battle. But from the brief obscured glimpse we get in the trailer, he’s a real thing, wrinkly and crusty (or burned?) and probably old as hell. Personally I was hoping he was like 8 inches tall and the hologram-cam just zoomed way in, but whatever. Andy Serkis is gonna factor in big in a “Star Wars” movie. Get excited.

Luke Skywalker has a voice box: In the first shot we get of Luke Skywalker speaking words since 1983, he’s — a frightened little buttercup who gets upset because Rey can lift some pebbles? Man up, Beardo, even if he torched one of your properties, you’re gonna have to go fight your dead best friend’s son pretty soon. Also, you beat Darth Vader. You can do this.

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I’m all in on the Porgs: You win. They’re cute.

The new AT-ATs are f**king awesome: For the record, the 13- and 6-year-old demographic in my home responded hardest to the upgraded AT-ATs, which resemble those in the original trilogy, except reinforced so they don’t break when you touch them, like the AT-ATs in “The Empire Strikes Back” or Odell Beckham Jr.

Kylo Ren might kill his mom too? First: No, we’re not over the loss of Carrie Fisher, and it is going to be very strange watching this movie without her. But the trailer’s hinting that the still-apparently-very-large-Morrissey-fan Kylo Ren locks his space-missiles on his mom is a huge moment, setting up what might be the movie’s main question: Has he succumbed enough to the Dark Side to off both his parents and push home the film’s “Kill your past” theme? And would “Star Wars” send off Fisher in such an unrelentingly dark manner?

Kylo Ren might turn Rey? And maybe his twin/sister/cousin/aunt?

Kylo Ren is very good at not throwing up while flying a spaceship: I guess this is due to his Corellian DNA, but Ren’s new TIE Silence spins around like a murderous space drill, and the effect is awesome and nauseous. Clearly the Last Jedi has Dramamine. Also his face-scar is really healing beautifully.

Poe and Finn are in it! Maybe! The trailer’s focus on Luke and Rey doesn’t leave much time for the captured-by-stormtroopers Finn and Oscar Isaac’s beautiful face, but we can safely assume they’re involved in 85% of the trailer’s explosions. Also Finn has clearly gotten significantly better at wielding that lightning-stick he used against the putz who called him a traitor.

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The mineral planet has white space wolves: Wonder if they eat porgs.