Candy Butter

Thanks to this new Twix spread, you can now turn everything into a candy bar

September 22, 2017
Twix Spread

Move over peanut butter, apple butter, almond butter, Nutella, Cheese-Wiz, cream cheese, pub mustard, orange marmalade, huckleberry jam, vanilla frosting, duck paté, and chipotle aioli. There’s a new sheriff in Spreadtown U.S.A., and his name is Buckhorn Twix. Yep, that’s right. Your favorite dual cookie-crunch magnate has, after decades at or near the top of the impulse candy-bar heap, finally unveiled a new take on their cherished formula:

Twix spread. VALHALLAAAAAA!

Perfect for apples, bananas, pancakes, pretzels, nuts, toast, tree bark, the remote, and your own damn hand, this decadent chocolate treat boasts Twix’s iconic crunchy biscuit pieces and presumably more than enough saturated fat to keep the stent industry afloat as we hurtle toward a bright, bold future where no one has health insurance. Also it costs only $5, so you can actually afford to buy it, unlike that aforementioned health insurance. Yay, America!

DISCLAIMER: Twix Corp. assumes no responsibility for fractures in the cosmic order caused by dipping Twix candy bars into Twix spread.


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