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Starbucks’ new sushi burrito sounds like how zombie outbreaks start

August 23, 2017
Aspen, Colorado

Robert Alexander

American fast food is in a weird place right now. Caught somewhere between sit-down and on-the-go, actual food and Instagram fodder, national mega-chains have watched as their sales figures dwindle, praying that they’re just one poke burger, pizza donut, or Dorito omelet away from total culinary redemption.

Enter Starbucks’ latest menu item, the Sushi Burrito, which looks just as terrifying as it sounds and is set to debut in two Chicago-area Starbucks this fall. In a move that practically screams “this is the Midwest and the only tuna we have here comes in a can, nancy boy”, however, this so-called Maki roll will contain cooked chicken instead of raw fish, so breathe a deep sigh of relief and go knock yourself out...

No really, if you’re still thinking about ordering this thing, smash your forehead off the display case until you pass out. It’ll be better for your health in the long run (says Roger Goodell’s personally commissioned CTE study, at least).

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Then again, it's your colon and thou shalt do what thy want with it, but please consider the ramifications: If the Chicken Maki Roll sells well in Chicago, Starbucks plans to introduce the item to the rest of America, and we've all seen The Walking Dead. We know how this ends. One minute you're enjoying a nice sushi burrito at Starbucks, the next your gnashing at your best friend's brains in a truck stop bathroom just outside Omaha.

Save humanity. Order the muffin.