It’s been a banner week for DM rejection in the sports world. Following failed enquiries into the state and availability of Mia Khalifa and Lena Dunham’s respective undercarriages by Wilson Contreras and Lenny Dykstra—not to mention some classic Insta claim-staking from Thor himself—we decided there’s only one thing left to do: Take the most mortifying overtures in athlete Twitter history and use them as teaching moments. You see, embedded within each feverish click of that little blue button, is a lesson in manners, gender, and game, and if you, athletes of the Internet, really want to get laid, that’s the only stat line that matters.
Critical Error: Where should we even begin? First of all, typing DM at the start of a Tweet and does not make it private, in much the same way that staring at a bag of pasta and shouting “PASTA” does not make pasta. Also, try to spell the woman you’re not-actually-DMing’s handle right. Also, stop mixing the Lipitor and Cialis. Also…
Critical Error: For starters, calling it a pipe. You don’t have to be Casanova to know that plumbing isn’t a huge turn-on.
Critical Error: Small-talk about the weather. You’re a receiver-decapitating free safety, not a mailman with a DVR full of Judge Judy re-runs. “When you make 18” is an all-time grammar classic though. Credit where credit is due.
Critical Error: Overconfidence. Khalifa has been DM’d by approximately 215% of the world’s greatest PornHub-bookmarking athletes and she has ruthlessly outed all of them. And yet, you, Wilson Contreras—Chicago Cub and architect of torridly disheveled boudoirs all across the Western Front—thought you had what it took to break the curse. LOL. Dude, you’re a catcher. Get back in line.
Critical Error: See above. Only Kelly tried it twice and then didn’t get invited to the Combine. Nice, bro. Nice.
Critical Error: Being literally the biggest asshole on planet earth. Whether this poor girl turned out to be a “butterface” or whether Canseco actually had a girlfriend, remains a mystery of the universe, but either way, Jose comes out looking like the complete and total d-hole that he is. Props for the completely unintentional Job Bluth reference, however.
Critical Error: Specificity. So, so much specificity. This a DM, Ray, not a 400-level anatomy seminar with Professor Not-Going-To-His-Office-Hours-Without-a-Chaperone.
Critical Error: Negging—the act of hitting on a girl by systematically dismantling her self-esteem in an attempt to convince her she can’t do any better than your old catcher’s mitt of an ass, which typically works about as well as it sounds like it would.
Michael Del Zotto
Critical Error: Essentially this meme, but with pornstars.
Translation: "The moment Balotelli tries to steal my girlfriend :( #WhatShouldIDo?"
Critical Error: DM’ing chicks in Iceland, who are obviously either betrothed by the age of 15 or dating a distant relative who will out you to the world as soon as you try to step foot on his ice floe. If you’re looking for some good ol’ fashioned anonymity, stick to bigger ponds that aren’t already frozen over by August, Super Mario.