Being a sports fan can be a richly rewarding part of your life, one that ties you to neighbors, unites you with family and allows you to collectively experience the joys and disappointments inherent in the human experience. Unless you’re a fan of the Philadelphia Eagles, in which case you turn into a ash-hearted demon with a callused-over soul who uses the occasion of his death to issue a final post-mortem f—k-you to an organization full of people who don’t know who he is.
Actually, maybe sports are bad? You don’t see people from art school getting worked up nearly this much.
But wait, this is actually a funny story! This week, a former Eagles fan named Jeffrey Riegel did two newsworthy things: 1. Died and 2. Requested in his actual obituary in the local newspaper to “have 8 Philadelphia Eagles as pallbearers so the Eagles can let him down one last time."
This is a very funny joke! Plus, the Eagles went 7-9 last year with all losses coming in their final 12 games, so it’s also a timely one. They’re not going to be better this year. Riegel is said to have been a passionate Eagles fan who owned season tickets for three decades and never once saw the Eagles win a Super Bowl, but, on the plus side, he did see hundreds of thousands of flying 9-volt batteries, which you could argue is preferable.
And it brings up a question: How many decades of season tickets do you have to buy for a team that routinely craps the bed before you decide to maybe, I don’t know, invest in a boat or a vacation to somewhere that isn’t New Jersey? And the Eagles had such a throttle on this poor guy that he did it for 30 years. In the end, Riegel was laid to rest by eight friends wearing Eagles jerseys, who are projected to go 7-9 this year…just like every year.