Catty

Parents mad at tiger-featuring Florida prom for being too lit

May 14, 2018
Teenagers and young adults in formalwear at party
kali9

Turns out Tiger—as in Eldrick Tont Woods—wasn't the only big cat stalking densely populated Florida social gatherings this weekend. On Friday night, Christopher Columbus High School hosted a "Welcome to the Jungle"-themed prom in a hotel just outside Miami International Airport. Everything was proceeding by the standard prom playbook...until the school rolled out a massive, live tiger (because tigers live in the jungle, obviously). Needless to say, when the accompanying jugglers' torch flames finally extinguished, local parents were not exactly thrilled:

In short, there's a lot of reasons why this was actually a bad idea. First of all there's the whole safety thing, and last time we checked an apex predator in a room full of twitchy high schoolers is not exactly safe. Then there's the well-being of the animal to worry about, and it's locked in a cage being bombarded by screaming kids and the same Rihanna song on loop. My cat's world ends every time the vacuum cleaner comes out, so I can't even imagine what this majestic beast must have been feeling while wanna-be Johnny Lawerence kept judo chopping the cage to show Becky how tough he is.

Finally, there's the cost. Listen, I'm no superintendent (you're welcome, future of America), but if I were, I would axe the tiger budget and roll those funds into textbooks, tech, and security. Maybe you don't think education is a priority—that's probably why you live in Florida (BOOM, ROASTED)—but come on, tigers are a splurge even by Floyd Mayweather standards. Throw in a lemur, two macaws and an African fennec fox—as the high school named for the pretty average explorer/very efficient rapist did—and you pretty much flush the yearly salary of your entire social studies department down the toilet. But don't worry say the school, the tiger was fine, and spent most of the time lying down with his back turned, ignoring your kids just like you do.

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