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The Loop

The Loop

Oh good, WWE wrestler Kane just won a mayoral primary in Tennessee

May 02, 2018

Reagan, Ventura, Schwarzenegger, Trump, Kid Rock. America's long lineage of bloated celebrity caricatures ascending to the highest echelons of our nation's Great™ leadership welcomed another new member on Tuesday night, when demonic WWE wrestler Kane—Undertaker's disturbed, pyromaniac little brother from 1997 to present—won Knox County, Tennessee's GOP mayoral primary by a narrow margin of 17 votes. He is expected to Tombstone Piledrive his democratic opposition in the general election, because Tennessee.

According to local reports, the 7-foot, 300-pound "monstrous abomination"...

extracted "directly from your childhood nightmares"...

and long "consumed by an infernal desire to set ablaze the lives of his fellow Superstars"...

ran on a platform of lower taxes, local education, job creation, infrastructure, transparency, safer communities and limited government. Go figure.