In not so shocking news, the MLB had to send out a memo warning players about PED use. The shocking part, however, is that the PEDs the memo referred to were not for hitting home runs, but for rounding third and heading home in the bedroom. Ayeeeeeee O!
That's right, according to a report from ESPN MLB writer Jeff Passan, the memo Major League Baseball sent to players was about the use of sexual-enhancement pills, which is apparently very prevalent amongst players. So much so that at least two players were suspended for PEDs this season, and the banned substances found in their urine came from over-the-counter sexual-enhancement pills, which players are often purchasing in gas stations according to Passan's sources. What the?
"Sexual or male enhancement products present a very real risk for drug-tested players," the memo said, "and the high likelihood for contamination or unidentified ingredients in these products underscores the importance of consuming only those products that are NSF Certified for Sport."
Just like New York Giants wide receiver Golden Tate found out earlier this summer, though for a much different banned substance, players are subject to discipline even if they inadvertently ingested the banned substance.
"We know from experience," the league memo said, "that a number of these sexual or male enhancement products -- which are sold online, at retail stores, and on the black market, both in the United States and internationally -- contain anabolic steroids and other prohibited substances.
"For this reason," the memo continued, "we strongly urge players against taking any sexual or male enhancement product, from any source."
In case this wasn't already as awkward as "the talk" with your dad, the memo also stated that players who "suffer from erectile dysfunction or other legitimate issues related to sexual performance ... speak to a licensed physician about the various prescription medications (e.g., Viagra, Cialis, Levitra) available to treat those conditions."
Not surprisingly, the "juiced balls" jokes have commenced, some better than others:
So I guess that's it boys, party's over. No more gas-station excursions for some OTC SEPs. And I thought this was America.
P.S. - Three players have been suspended for PEDs this year. Not naming names, you can figure that out for yourself here. Carry on.