Sun's Out, Abs Out

University of Miami welcomes new head coach Mario Cristobal with a jersey for ants

December 07, 2021

On Monday, the University of Miami fired a shot across the bow of college football’s elite, poaching new head coach Mario Cristobal from Oregon while still technically employing current head coach Manny Diaz. It was a signal of intent from Miami, proving that they’re not afraid to break a few hearts and cut a few throats to return to the upper echelon of college football. It takes more than a shiny new face to compete with the Alabamas and Ohio States of the world, however, and at Cristobal’s introductory press conference on Monday, the Canes proved they still have a few kinks to, ahem, iron out.

Over to you, Mr. Zoolander …

To paraphrase the legendary male model, how can Cristobal lead Miami back to prominence if he can’t even fit inside his own jersey? Furthermore, how can Miami be expected to recruit their own state if their coach is wearing a crop top? We get that exposed abs are something of a signature look down at The U, but Ray Lewis Cristobal ain’t.

That said, this probably qualifies as a large in South Beach. Sorry Mario, you’re not in Eugene anymore. That dad bod is going to have to become a rad bod if you want to stick around. 11 wins and a six pack. Nothing less will do in Miami.