15 years, six movies, three actors, one Spiderman. On Friday, Spider-Man: Homecoming swings into sticky-floored theaters all over America, but if you’re not an AMC butter substance-swilling movie nerd, chances are you’re a little bit lost. Between 2002 and 2007, Sony released the original Spider-Man trilogy to worldwide fanfare, grossing $2.5 billion and helping to spark the self-sustaining superhero gas-fire that we now call the movie industry. Half a decade later, they rebooted the series with Andrew what’s-his-name (ed. note: Garfield) for two cobwebby clunkers that nobody asked for just so they could hold onto the rights for another couple of years.
All the while, Disney's Marvel Studios lurked in the shadows, waiting for the opportunity to snatch their estranged child back into the amorphous, technicolor blockbuster blob we call the MCU. There were court dates and custody battles, but Disney gets what Disney wants, and in the end Sony struck a deal. The result? Homecoming, the umpteenth Spider-Man iteration of the IMAX era, only with one crucial difference: Now Spidey gets to hang out with all his Avenger buddies. But don’t worry if you’re still a little confused, we’re here to help. Just hold this human stomach-sized cherry coke that's balancing a box of Junior Mints topped with a soft pretzel as we round up each and every Spider-Man to see how they measure up. By the time we’re through, we guarantee you’ll be climbing the GD walls.
THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY
Played By: Seabiscuit’s jockey
Prone To: Spider bites
Nemesis: Father figure turned goblin
Distinguishing Trait: Terrible dancer
Saves: New York
THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 1 & 2
Played By: Andrew, uhh, dammit. Ed, I forgot again!
Prone To: Spider bites (jesus kid, stay away from these things)
Nemesis: Electrocuted by eels guy
Distinguishing Trait: Rad skateboarding skillz brah.
Saves: New York, NOT Gwen Stacy (zing!)
Played By: Tom Holland, AKA another British kid with a good American accent
Prone To: Viral YouTube hits
Nemesis: A disgruntled construction worker
Distinguishing Trait: Friends with Iron Man
Saves: Boston…just kidding, it’s New York