Aging Action Heroes

Legendary human Nicolas Cage has his own Japanese junk food now

October 3, 2017
Nicolas Cage in 'Red Rock West'

Nicolas Cage has had one of the most delightfully bizarre careers in Hollywood history. Born into film royalty (AKA the Coppola family), Cage earned a small reputation starring in quirky indie comedies like Raising Arizona and Vampire’s Kiss before becoming the biggest action star on earth seemingly overnight, starring in The Rock/Con Air/Face/Off between 1996 and ’97 while simultaneously winning his sole Oscar. Then, following a series of flops (cough Ghost Rider cough) in the early oughts, Cage disappeared as suddenly as he arrived, plying his bug-eyed trade in straight-to-DVD schlock semi-intentionally targeted at stoned/hungover college kids who had already gobbled up every kung-fu dub in existence.

Recently, however, news emerged that Cage—who allegedly spent over $150 million on rare dinosaur skulls, exotic deadly animals, castles, yachts, and other Bond villain-approved wares while on his Hollywood sabbatical—owed the IRS a whopping $13 million. And so America's cash-strapped hero made his triumphantly desperate return, plastering his face on everything and anything to pay the bills—from B-movies, to self-parodying bit parts to a brand-new, limited-edition line of Japanese puffed cornsticks dubbed, you guessed it, Umaibo Nicolastick. You may think we’re kidding, but as is the case with everything Cage has ever done, this is all deadly serious:

A promotion for Cage’s military 2016 drama Army of One—now seeing release in Japan under the far superior and exponentially more Cage-ian title Bin Laden is My Prey—the Nicolastick represents the pinnacle of movie snack food, featuring a bearded, blonde, and bespectacled Cage beaming back at lucky diners from its greasy, on-the-go trans fat holster. Whether these hot-ticket Nicolasticks can be used to dig Cage out of his financial grave, remains to be seen, but if not, at least he’ll go broke eating like a king.


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