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The Loop

The Loop

Kris Bryant went undercover as a pizza delivery man to crash some fantasy baseball drafts

March 27, 2018

Fantasy Baseball season is officially upon us and with it some of the most abhorrently nerdy male behavior this side of a D&D panel at Dragon Con (a real thing). In living rooms across the nation, grown men with hundreds of dollars riding on NL-only 10-year dynasty leagues where you must carry at least two prospects on your roster at all times have gathered to drink beer, talk WHIP, and escape their personal realities for at least an afternoon. Generally speaking, actual ball players whose actual livelihoods are getting wheeled and dealed by a bunch of neckbeards on farty couches take a dim view of the whole thing, but this season Kris Bryant—Cubs third baseman and noted golf guy—was willing to play along.

Teaming up with Red Bull, Bryant, disguised as a pizza delivery man, crashed three separate fantasy drafts, all held by men so entitled and self-important that they actually believed it when producers told them the cameras were capturing footage for a documentary on fantasy baseball culture. And in a way they were. The idea was to see which league member would draft Kris Bryant without noticing Kris Bryant was in the same damn room, and true to form, not a single one of these self-proclaimed baseball savants recognized the All-Star World Series winner, even when he was three inches from their face sucking down pepperoni and talking about how the wind always blows in at Wrigley. Check out the cringe-fest here:

So yep. Even the "die-hard" Cubs fan "since birth" who named his son "Bryant" didn't recognize, umm, Kris Bryant. Nor did anyone else, all of whom probably should have been a lot more alarmed about the pizza guy hanging out and eating the actual pizza than they were. In the end though, no harm, no foul. Bryant got drafted, these OPS connoisseurs got the surprise of their virginal lives, and everyone went home happy...well, except Bryant's nutritionist. Seriously, how much of that pizza did you eat, man?