Bingles Football
August 18, 2020

Joe Burrow is going to die out there

Monday was day one of pads across the NFL. At practice facilities around the country, vets and rookies alike suited up for what is sure to be one of the most unpredictable years in the history of American football. Who will be competitive? Who won’t be? Will this thing even last past October? All valid questions without answers for the time being, but we do know one thing after the first 24:

Joe Burrow is going to die out there.

See that terrified street cat in the orange pinnie running for his life after not one, not two, not three, not four, but FIVE Bengals defenders burst through the line untouched? That’s number-one-overall pick and future of Bengals football Joe Burrow, who just learned, in addition to a great many other life lessons, that Cincinnati is a longggg way from Baton Rouge . . . and we’re not talking about on a map.

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Bingles brass better be learning some lessons too. Wide receivers Tee Higgins and AJ Green, who has spent the last three years playing as little football for the franchise as his contract will legally allow, are both already hurt. If your star guy has no one to throw it to and no one to block for him, he’s going to be vegetable stir fry by November. Call us old fashioned, but you can’t be the face of the franchise if you no longer have a head.

This is the point in the story where we’d usually say something like, “It’s tough to say what will ultimately happen,” but this is the Bengals we’re talking about here. We know exactly what will happen. And if by some unforeseen glitch in the football matrix we’re wrong, we’ll eat humble chili spaghetti pie until they have to pump our stomach. That's a promise.