This just in from the PGA Tour

Tiger woods, unaware that I'd planted a bug in his earring, was the first to stand up and speak. He said to PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem, "Exactly what is it you have against my red hair and orange beard?"

"I'm not sure it's appropriate in our sport," Finchem said.

"I need it," Tiger said.

"What do you need it for?"

"My disguise," Tiger said.

"Why in the world would you wear a disguise?" Finchem said. "You are Tiger Woods, you are The Man, you are Captain Product."

"Safety," said Tiger. "I want to keep that writer for Sports Elevated away from me. He keeps trying to call a rule on me like he did on Michelle Wie. Last week he told a tour official my shoelaces weren't tied properly. He said he couldn't sleep for two nights thinking about it."

This was at the meeting of the players that Finchem called to discuss ways in which the tour could improve its image with the fans.

John Daly jumped up. "You talkin' about that guy from Sports Laminated?"

"Yeah," Tiger said.

"I know him," Daly said. "He's always peekin' around corners...hidin' behind bushes...flippin' through the rule book. He tried to DQ me at East Lake. He ran over to rules official Mark Russell and said I was guilty of smokin' two cigarettes at once. He wanted to know what Mark was gonna do about it. He said his integrity was awake all night."

"What did Mark Russell do?" Tiger asked.

Daly said, "Nothin'. Mark said there wasn't anything in the rules about cigarettes. The guy said there was, too. It was under Twenty-Seven Slash B Parenthesis Curly-Q Parenthesis Closed Slash Doodad. Something like that. Anyhow, Russell said the pages of his rule book were stuck together. He'd get back to us on it."

A voice said, "Now I know who you mean! That guy from Sports Instigated. He went to an LPGA tournament and tried to DQ everybody so he could win the tournament even though he was a man and didn't have any clubs with him. Carried a tape measure, I think."

Suddenly, everybody was talking and hollering at once. Hard to know who was speaking, although I think I could identify Mark O'Meara and Chris DiMarco, among others.

"I thought we came here to talk about money."

"I thought we were here to discuss the new schedule."

"I'd vote for Paula Creamer and Michelle Wie both to play on our tour if they want to."

"I guess you would!"

"I just want to prove I'm not a male chauvinist."

"Yeah, sure."

"I want to talk about money."

"What about money?"

"We're giving too much away to charity."

"Isn't this good for our image?"

"That money's coming out of our pocket, man. The homeless don't play golf."

"What's this about a new schedule?"

"We're gonna de-major the majors, is how I read it. Get people to watch us on TV in the fall instead of football."

"Fat chance."

"I can't figure out what the new schedule's all about. Probably has something to do with my Florida education."

"Nobody's gonna de-major my majors, man."

"I want to get back to Paula and Michelle."

"I guess you do! How's the divorce comin' along?"

"The schedule's got something to do with all them Deutsche Banks, is all I know about it."

"If they bring money, I'm in."

"How can you de-major a major? Don't it just sit there?"

"I figure the guy from Sports Lemonaded can figure it out. He knows everything about golf and lugs around all that integrity in his golf bag."