June 25, 2007

Golf Haters Among Us

What's the beef? Try 30 reasons

In a recent poll taken by the Sports Marketing Group, it was determined that the 10 sports Americans hate the most are (1) dogfighting, (2) pro wrestling, (3) bullfighting, (4) pro boxing, (5) PGA Tour, (6) senior tour, (7) LPGA Tour, (8) NASCAR, (9) Major League Soccer and (10) ATP tennis. As you see, golf scored pretty darn well, notching three places.

I personally think golf earned those three spots, but first I think it's important to point out that if you let Americans vote on the 10 sports they hate the most worldwide, the list would look quite different.

My own ballot, for example, would read as follows:

  1. Trying to find a sense of humor in Germany.

  2. Discussing your undercooked duck with a waiter in Paris.

  3. Driving a car in Buenos Aires and living to tell about it.

  4. Visiting Mexico and living to tell about it.

  5. Finding something to buy in Switzerland for less than $3 million.

  6. Trying to find something to eat in Spain that's not still alive.

  7. Visiting India and living to tell about it.

  8. Running with the bulls in Pamplona without a shotgun.

  9. Mountain climbing anywhere without a net.

  10. Fighting a war with France as an ally.

As for golf scoring so well in the poll, it's no mystery if you break it down. My guess is, the 10 things people hate most about the PGA Tour are:

  1. Some guy you've never heard of winning a tournament.

  2. Any tournament until the last nine holes Sunday.

  3. All those people who don't play golf and don't know anything about it sitting in all those luxury boxes you can't get in.

  4. Guys marking, strolling, kneeling, studying and plumb-bobbing who'll finish 63rd.

  5. Gary McCord's joke book.

  6. "I'm just out here trying to make a living for my family."

  7. Having to park in Bolivia to take a shuttle bus.

  8. Guy in a uniform thinks he owns the crosswalk.

  9. What a bummer: You stay out there drenched in sweat all day and Tiger Woods don't even win.

  10. "Are you kidding? You don't sell a single shirt in here without this stupid logo on it?"

Then there are the 10 things you can hate most about the Senior Tour, Champions Tour, Senior Legends Champions Haven't Died Yet Tour, or whatever:

  1. No other profession gets a mulligan; why them?

  2. Some of them were jerks then, and they're even bigger jerks now.

  3. Even if the result takes up only four inches on the sports page, that's still too much.

  4. Is there a prize for low arthritis?

  5. Who's this Wargos Albus person?

  6. Those courses can't be more than 5,800 yards long.

  7. Are there more new hips on their tour than there are at our Friday night seafood buffet?

  8. Am I supposed to know who John Jacobs was?

  9. Is that the tour where Miller Barber wins everything or is it the tour where Hale Irwin wins everything?

  10. "Wait a minute. Let me see if I understand this. They're complaining about something?"

Finally, we have these 10 things that people hate most about the LPGA Tour:

  1. Tournament winners who don't speak English.

  2. Tournament winners who aren't Annika.

  3. A winner who is not, at the very least, Juli Inkster.

  4. Yeah, fine, but Natalie don't ever win.

  5. A tournament named for a product you'd never buy.

  6. Tournament winners who weigh more than Craig Stadler.

  7. Too many tournaments in towns that have a bypass.

  8. Tournament winners who refuse to speak English.

  9. "I think she's Korean, although she could be from Bangkok, or maybe it's the Philippines."

  10. So, they just decreed it a major or what?

To comment, send e-mails to: jenkins@golfdigest.com.