June 25, 2007

Still Haunted by the Silly Season

I'm still suffering withdrawal from the silly season. The silly season in late fall is a lot more fun than the regular PGA Tour, of course. It's imperative each year that I keep a scrapbook of the events so I can often leaf through it for medicinal purposes. Here are some leads from a few of my favorites this past season:

AUTOGRAPH VALLEY, Calif. -- Tiger Woods finished with three consecutive eagles at Flaming Blazer Country Club to win $10 million in the annual Tri Skins Umvirate, an 18-hole event played within 124 complete face-lifts of Palm Springs. Playing on one leg with hickory and a feathery, Woods defeated three unknown golfers dressed as Harry Vardon, J.H. Taylor and James Braid. "I've never lost to guys in tweed suits and neckties yet, and I don't intend to," Woods said.

CROCODILE KANGAROO DOWN, Australia-- It's not a major, it just wants to sound like one. Nevertheless, Tiger Woods added the Australian Masters PGA Open Ryder Classic to his list of conquests today when he shot a final-round 65 at Blooming Onion Country Club and easily defeated a full field of golfers you have never heard of and several waiters from the chain of Outback Steakhouse restaurants.

TAKIYANDAKI LAKE, Indonesia-- Tiger Woods shot a four-under-par 32 today and won the $3 million first prize in the inaugural Nine Hole Challenge for Tiger Woods and Friend. Mark O'Meara shot a 41 and collected $1.5 million for the other spot. The gallery was estimated at well over 300,000, counting the dead from the riot.

IMPLANT FALLS, Calif. -- Tiger Woods, hitting a 234-yard sand wedge, aced the final hole today and won $22 million in the final round of the Flim Skins Flam. It was Woods' third hole-in-one of the two-day event played at Milling Tans Golf Club. The other three competitors were shut out, none of them winning a skin, a flim, or a flam. The other competitors were members of the senior tour, which was why Woods played left-handed.

LOLLING REPTILES, Fla.-- Tiger Woods, with no help from his partners, fired a final-round 61 today to come from behind to win the Father Son Uncle Cousin Invitational and the $40 million check that went with first place at Swamp Quarry Golf Club. Woods and his group defeated the four favored teams of Johnny Miller and family, Raymond Floyd and family, Tom Kite and family and Craig Stadler and family. Woods was undecided whether to share the prize money with members of his team. "They are just people the sponsors assigned to me so I would be eligible for the tournament," Woods said. "They are total strangers. But it was kinda funny, all of them calling me Dad."

TOURS, France -- Tiger Woods led the U.S. PGA Tour to victory today in the Eight Tour Challenge. Playing alone in the match-play event, Woods fought off two-man teams from the European Tour, Australian Tour, Asian Tour, Scandinavian Tour, South African Tour, Antarctican Tour and Tour de France. In the first round, Asia beat Australia, or maybe it was South Africa, while Europe beat South Antarctica, I mean — oh, nevermind, pick up AP.

BAGHDAD, Iraq-- Tiger Woods rejected an appearance fee of $100 million today to play in the first annual Sean Penn National Pro-Activist Invitational, and the tournament was promptly canceled. "We are sorry for this development," a spokesman for the tournament said. "We had hoped to draw many American tourists so we could try out our new bomb."

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