It's not even September, and Cubs fans have already completely lost it

August 30, 2017

Chicago Cubs fans are skittish creatures. They hate black cats more than a Puritan priest, cling to an irrational goat phobia like grim death, and would rather name their children Diarrhea Face than Steve. I guess that's what 108 years of torment will do to the collective human psyche.

If you thought things were going to Get Better® now that the Cubs finally broke their curse, however, you clearly don't know sports fans. In fact, success—and the fear of losing it—has only made things worse. By late May, with the Cubbies hovering around .500, some fans simply gave up on the season. To the surprise of no one but those Cracker-Jack-stress-eating basket cases, the Cubs made a second-half rally and now lead the NL Central by three and a half games. But has that soothed the Wrigley masses? Hahahaha. Let's check in and see how things are going...

Idiot #1:

This guy is still rocking last year's playoff beard and looks like he's about to be ill out of both ends in the stadium restroom. What a beautiful night for a ballgame, huh?

Idiot #2

Behind door number two, we have Recon Ranger, who is either using his binoculars backwards because he can't bear to watch or because the stress of being the second seed in the NL has rendered him a ward of the state. WHAT IS THIS, A STADIUM FOR ANTS?!

Idiot #3

Finally we have Dark Cooper with the one mullet to rule them all and in the darkness bind them. Apparently turning your hat inside out isn't enough Cubsland anymore. Now you have to lose your job, find your wife's suitcases packed on the threshold, and eventually lose all feeling in your extremities following a biker gang beat-in gone horribly wrong. Greatest fans on earth, amirite?