Listen, we aren’t here to make assumptions or cast aspersions. We aren’t here to judge or adjudicate. Maybe you think weed is the devil’s cobb salad. Maybe you think it cures cancer. Either way, you’re probably wrong. There’s one thing that’s not up for debate, however: The calendar. It’s 4/20 once again—AKA weed day, AKA the day even your mom is going to get high with her hiking friends or whatever—and to commemorate the occasion, we’ve rounded up the craziest potable products we could find in this den of indulgence we call the internet. So whether you’re partaking or just here for the contact high, kick back, relax, and inhale the sweet, sweet vapor of untapped capitalism.
(But first, some shopping music).
Weed Balls and Tees
OK, so we should clarify these aren’t tees or balls made from weed, but rather for indulging in it. Stash your supply in the Puffingtons 2 tour ball and then smoke it from the covert tee pipe. Meanwhile, ignore the binocular gaze of the course marshal, who thinks it’s strange you keep chewing on your tees but can’t quite figure out why.
For those moments in life when you’re headed to a Phish show and want to blend in but your company is randomly drug testing right now, there’s Mister Green’s No. 1 Hippie Shit weed cologne. Featuring notes of soft wood, neroli, musk, smoke, and leather, this is essentially patchouli for millennial brats.
24K Gold Rolling Papers
Speaking of millennial brats, here are some rolling papers made of actual gold. Thanks dad. They’re for, umm, incense.
A Weed Board Game
Nothing blows off nuclear family reactor steam like a good ol’ fashioned game night...especially when you’re playing Zonk, a points-based dice contest where players take a hit every 1,000 points. That may seem simple, but trust us, after 2,000 points, you’re going to be really happy this isn’t Settlers of Catan.
Weed Breath Spray
Generally speaking, weed breath isn’t a good thing. That’s why Mirth Provisions’ Drift Sublingual comes in four Yankee Candle-approved flavors, including Wind River Mint, Cinnamon Springs, Lost Creek Lemon, and North Coast Cranberry. It also gets you high, so there’s that.
Bong Water Nalgene
OK, so this one is more novelty than actual ingestion tool (for the love of Jah, please DO NOT drink bong water out of this), but it’s still a pretty fun way to troll the MAGA housewives at your gym.
Stash Bags That Look Like Credit Cards
Sure, when you’re holding it’ll give you a bad case of Costanza wallet, but it’s covert and helps you build credit. That’s how that works right?
$138 Dollars Of Weed-Infused Beauty Products
If you still haven’t come around to the whole “male beauty product” thing, allow us to throw you right into the deep end. Not only does the Cannuka Beauty + Health Collection feature a new putter’s worth of man-formulated body cream, eye balm, and fancy soap, but all the products also include hemp and Manuka honey, which, like everything that costs more than it seems like it should, are purportedly rich in antioxidants.
A Weed Bouquet
Because nothing says I love you and I’m sorry I got way too high before Thanksgiving dinner at your parents’ like a gorgeous weed bouquet from bougie bud purveyors Lowell Smokes.
Because nothing says I love you and I’m sorry I got way too high before Thanksgiving dinner at your parents', chapter two.