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The Loop

Guy boycotts Keurig by hitting it with driver, now needs new coffee machine AND driver

November 13, 2017

Listen, we don’t want to make this any more political than it has to be. Sure, Hannity viewers smashing their Keurigs because the brand pulled advertising following the Fox News personality’s dubious defense of Alabama senate candidate Roy Moore—said to have initiated sexual encounters with 13- and 14-year-old-girls while in his mid-30s—is inherently political, but this isn’t about that. This is about basic human stupidity, and this guy, well, he takes the whole stupid cake.

According to Snoop’s (no, not that one) Twitter account, he is a Proud Patriot™ and a big Vols fan (which helps to explain the whole seething rage thing), but he is not the sharpest divot repair tool in the bag. You see, to prevent an appliance company from deciding where to spend their money in a FREE market economy that he is simultaneously very worried about “communist senator Bernie Sanders” destroying according to retweets further down his timeline, Ol’ Snoop took to his garage with a buddy and the big stick to make his statement. Apparently unfamiliar with the old cut-off-the-hand-to-save-the-foot axiom, however, Snoop then when right ahead and cut off both his hands, destroying his coffee machine AND beloved Tennessee-orange driver with one fell twist of the hips.

Suffice to say, as golfers, coffee drinkers, casual logic hobbyists, and disavowers of sexual predation, we wholeheartedly object. We do, however, support Snoop’s right to express his political opinion while simultaneously condemning Keurig for expressing theirs. So enjoy your tea and long irons, pal. We’ll be over sucking down a double shot and crushing one from the tips.