If This Van's Rocking...

Despite an $84 million dollar contract, Kirk Cousins is still living that van life

June 26, 2018

Kirk Cousins is a weird dude. He's typically painted as your average, semi-religious everyman, but that misses the crux of who Cousins really is—a deeply strange human being who just so happens to have a Sherman tank cannon for a right arm. The world got its first glimpse of Cousins' inner freak back in 2015, when, after leading the Redskins back from a 24-0 deficit to beat Buccaneers, he came barreling off the field like Thomas the Tank Engine on a bender shouting "YOU LIKE THAT! YOU LIKE THAT!" at random passerby:

Then last summer, the Redskins posted a video of Cousins mic'd up at training camp chatting about Emily Dickinson, Creed, and how good the water, which he calls H20, was. Suddenly the Cult of Kirk came into sharper focus.

It wasn't until Monday, however, that Cousins cemented his Weird Guy™ status, posting the following gem to Twitter, the unofficial home of Weird Guys™ across the internet:

So yeah, if you thought an $84 million dollar contract and a change of scenery where going to suddenly convert Kirk Cousins into some leather jacket-wearing, toothpick-chewing cool guy, you were very, very wrong. Cousins is van material through and through, and there's nothing—not a fat stack of Bugatti money or the nervous glances of parents as they pull their children closer in supermarket parking lots—is ever going to change that. Plus it still runs well, so like what are supposed to do? Sell it? Come on, don't be ridiculous.

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