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The Cincinnati public school system has cancelled school on Super Bowl Monday

February 01, 2022

For years this country has whined. Like in general. About everything. It’s non-stop complaining at every waking second from every single person, and one of the things we’ve grumbled about, especially in times of peace, has been the Super Bowl Monday. No one likes it. Everyone hates it. In fact, it’s one of the only things 70-plus percent of this country can agree on. “Why don’t we just make it a holiday?” we’ve asked time and time again, and time and time again we’ve received no reply. Presidents' Day is sitting right there. Can’t we just move that up? Do you think those old dead guys will be mad? Come on.

Finally, however, there has been movement—a millimeter shift in the glacier, a rumble deep undersea—and it’s all thanks to the Cincinnati Bengals ...

That's the Cincinnati public school system announcing there will be no school on Monday, February 14th, 2022 in anticipation of the Bengals first-ever Super Bowl victory (and/or loss). Who cares if kids have already spent much of the last two years learning from home. Who cares if the employers of Cincinnati parents aren’t so generous. Who cares if you already bought Valtentine’s chocolates for your little boyfriend or girlfriend. Do these look like the kind of people who are worried about your little brat's education?


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So now we must ask ourselves: Is this an aberration or the first domino to fall in the battle for Super Bowl Monday? In a decade’s time will we be sitting at home in front of our Joey B shrines, nursing guacamole hangovers, solemnly reflecting on his sacrifices for humankind? TBD, but it sure as hell beats history class.