Champion racing greyhound tests positive for cocaine

Confirming earlier reports that nothing is sacred and athletes will do anything to gain a competitive edge, news broke Thursday that champion Irish Greyhound, Clonbrien Hero, has tested positive for cocaine two months after winning the Irish Laurels.

According to officials, Clonbrien Hero returned three positive tests for Benzoylecgonine, a metabolite of cocaine, over the course of the event, helping to explain his speed, energy, and lengthy, repeated visits to the doggy kennel before every race. The official Control Committee promises a full inquiry into the events, and by “official inquiry,” we of course mean the dealer's number in exchange for looking the other way.

On a more serious note, however, let The Loop be the first offer a hearty f—k you to the monsters who pumped a helpless animal full of coke just so they could have better chance at winning their pointless helpless animal race. There’s special circle of hell reserved for people like that, but a leaky Belfast jail cell will have to do for now.

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