Genesis Invitational

Riviera Country Club

Coffee: Black

Pros at the Hero reveal their go-to coffee orders and Brian Harman absolutely posterized everyone

December 01, 2023

You can tell a lot about another human by the way they order their coffee in the morning (or evening, depending on your mood). A black coffee drinker is someone who likes to get stuff done. A mocha cappa frappa trappa lappa with 22 pumps of whatever-the-f--- drinker is usually a crazy person who cannot be trusted in crucial situations.

We got to find out just how business-like, or just how untrustworthy, a number of tour pros were at the Hero World Challenge, where the PGA Tour asked a bunch of guys what their go-to coffee order is in an excellent video clip. A tip of the cap to the clearly young and social media-savvy person the tour has unleashed as of late. This is how it's done, folks:

Too many highlights to break down here, so we'll go with a few of our favorite moments below, in order of greatness.

"I drink black coffee. I don't have dessert for breakfast." -- Brian Harman

Hell yeah, brother. This is how you posterize everyone else in the video with one little dig. I couldn't be more on Harman's side here. You people clogging up coffee shop lines with your nonsensical, sugar-filled, ice-cream-sundae ass drinks need to all take a deep look in the mirror and ask yourself: why do I need a drink a four-year-old child would ask for to start my day? There is legitimately nothing more infuriating than going to a coffee shop to order a coffee and waiting 10 minutes while the people behind the counter work on the nine different chemisty experiments that you can't even taste the coffee in. Despicable. Harman being a black guy is perfectly on brand. Fairways, greens, putts. Rinse, repeat. That's my Open Champion.

"I don't drink coffee." -- Jordan Spieth

For the sake of Michael Greller, thank GOD. Could you imagine this dude off a Venti dark roast with a double shot of espresso? Greller would walk off on the third green every round. Spieth needs no help in being a complete chatterbox and scatterbrain on the golf course. If the non-coffee drinking version of Spieth is the "calm" version, this man should not be allowed to be anywhere near a pot of piping hot java. 

"I make my own coffee." -- Scottie Scheffler

This originally read/sounded like Scheffler was literally in the backyard growing his own coffee beans. In reality, as he went on to explain, he just meant he makes his own coffee at home. Don't know why but I just found that exchange hilarious. 

"It's a flat white which gets a lot of people confused, especially over here in the states." -- Justin Rose

WOAHH we got a super smart sophisticated Brit over here! You dumb Americans can't even figure out a flat white! Morons! Hey Justin, wake me when anybody in England figures out how to make a taylor ham egg and cheese with salt pepper ketchup and then we can talk. Obviously I'm joking around here but there is nothing more "English guy" than being like "well actually I order it this way and you American dummies don't get it." Yeah, that's called a cultural difference, buddy (by the way, I was introduced to a flat white by an Australian co-worker recently. I will regrettably admit it was fantastic, and I drink coffee black like Harman). 

All jokes aside, quality content from the tour. And please, go ahead and drink your coffee however you want. It's a free country. But I am judging you.