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Bill Walton casually talks about the time he almost killed himself, promptly rubs chocolates all over his face

February 15, 2019

We've reached a point where you could literally write anything, I'm talking ANYTHING you want in a Bill Walton headline and not only will people believe it, but there's a 100-percent chance it actually happened. It's not like you can make up something fake, because Walton's absurdness knows no bounds. Eating fire on live TV? Check:

Ranting on why weed should be legal? Been there, done that:

Breaking down hypothetical fights between grizzly bears and huskies? That's what Bill Walton calls "Tuesday":

That's why when this latest Bill Walton mad lib headline hit Twitter on Friday morning, I didn't even have to watch the video to believe it happened. Of course, I still did, and you should too, even though it's a bit troubling. Here's Walton talking about the time he almost killed himself, immediately followed by him rubbing chocolates all over his face. No, seriously:

No on can transition from suicide to eating candy as seamlessly as Walton. How he got to talking about that almost fateful day 10 years ago, I have no idea. But that's the case with just about everything he says. There is no rhyme or reason, which makes Dave Pasch's handling of each Walton rant all the more impressive. Pasch is a saint. A lesser broadcaster would have refused to work with Walton a long time ago, but Pasch not only continues to, he embraces it.

No one has ever deserved more of a raise than Pasch.