The Loop

Battle Creek Bombers offer free tickets for life to fans dumb enough to get tattoo of their mascot

People will do anything for a free shit. And it doesn't have to be good free shit. People still eat Cracker Jacks for a sticker of a snake wearing a crown or whatever, and Cracker Jacks are just 1,000 calories of cardboard. But you know what, don't take our word for it. Just turn your attention to beautiful Battle Creek, Michigan, where the Battle Creek Bombers—12 year veterans of the independent Northwoods League—just offered the first dozen fans dumb enough to get their logo permanently tattooed on their body free tickets for life. If this sounds slightly irresponsible to you, just wait until you see the logo:


Yep. It's a freaking mosquito—literally the most despised sentient being on earth. This is no zany minor-league promotion. This is a sick social experiment. This is class warfare. If you think Brian Cashman is a monster, just imagine this front office brainstorm:

"I say, Rufus, what do think these disgusting peasants would do for a $12 ticket?"

"Well, Elon, I imagine they would be willing to get a filthy pest inked forever upon their forehead. Then we could flood the county with free flesh billboards and be able to lay off the marketing department by Christmas!"

Are we blowing this out of proportion? Almost definitely. Then again, just look at this thing. LOOK AT IT:

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Asking these people to trade their dignity for a free bleacher seat isn't a transaction, it's just mean. It's like saying "you won't" to the kid you know will. You know he's going to lick that roadkill if you bring it up, SO DON'T BRING IT UP (sorry Tommy). Alas, this is capitalism at its finest—haggle local tattoo parlor down to $1,000 flat rate, get warm bodies through the door, sell $3,000 worth of beer, buy that Lake Huron timeshare of your dreams. But hey, on the bright side at least the tattoos turned out great and the Bombers didn't skimp or anything...LOL, nevermind, there is no bright side:

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