T.O. is playing flag football and A.I. is in a 3-on-3 league. Drone racing is on ESPN and e-sports stars are regularly pulling down six-figure sums. The world’s never-ending search for new sports knows no bounds—[cough] XFL [cough]—and its latest source of inspiration is as unlikely as it is familiar: The games you used to play as a kid, whether on the playground, in the driveway, or drooling away in the basement.
But why stop at professional tag? There are plenty of other sandlot favorites out there and we in The Loop’s Cheap Fun & Easy Profits department plan to exploit them all. As you’ll see below, our work has already begun, but there’s still time for you to help. Simply select “Not Interested”, “Interested”, or “Very Interested” for each idea, and then submit your responses to the nearest supervisor for tallying. Thank you for your participation and we look forward to beta testing all of these with you at the annual market research appreciation picnic next week!
Ding Dong Ditch
How do you make the MLDDD fun to watch, you ask? Simple. Instead of Principle Smith in his wife’s heels, each round will feature a surprise guest waiting on the other side of the doorbell. OH GOD IT’S RAY LEWIS, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Kick the Can
A mixture of stealth, strategy, and agility, this classic combination of hide-and-seek and capture the flag could be sleekly updated with advanced tech—think smoke grenades and radio jammers for the kickers and camera-outfitted drones for the seekers—and some ol’ fashioned, full-contact tagging (and by “tagging” we mean clotheslines that would make Deacon Jones queasy). Voila. Entertainment.
Adding sharks seems like it could get messy from both animal and human rights standpoints, so as an alternative, just swap the shallow-end wading for nitrous-powered speedboats and watch the sparks fly. It’ll be like Talladega if you blindfolded one new driver at every pit stop, which sounds stupid…ly awesome, that is.
Like any sport, the SFL is all about its star power, and with a potential Legends Division lineup featuring Brett Favre, Randy Johnson, and some of the most iconic hurlers in world cricket history, the network execs who pass on the this one won’t be the only ones getting stung.
Forget the Summer League. Let’s take all the NBA rookies and organize a professional wallball league that would take the sports world by—wait, it already exists? Seriously?? OK. So picture this: Simon Says…only with tasers!
We know, we know. Barbaric! Grotesque! A dangerous example for our children! To which we raise you Mayweather vs. McGregor. Next to this traveling carnival of fire-breathing racism, high-flying homophobia, and lion-taming chauvinism—currently pre-ordered and waiting patiently on your cable box at home—a few hulked-up beasts smashing their knuckles together until one or both passes out from the pain seems downright cosmopolitan.
The Quiet Game
Ha. Ha. NICE TRY, MOM!