Despite grumblings from ITK authorities like DeMaurice Smith and Adam Schefter that all is not well at Camp Commish, news broke Monday that Supreme Galactic Chancellor Roger Goodell will be offered—and inevitably sign—a new five year-deal as the flatulent old bulldog face of the NFL. From Spygate to Deflategate, CTE to Ray Rice, Goodell has had no shortage of landscape-altering issues to tackle in his first 11 years on the job, but as we look ahead to seven more winters of Roger (his current deal expires in 2019, by the way), the forecast looks just as tumultuous. Here’s what you can expect from the $35-million-dollar-man in the not-so-distant future.
MARCH 2020: Josh Gordon is Reinstated
Five years after he first suspended Josh Gordon, Goodell reinstates the most electrifying wide receiver in Browns history, who is now an old man selling cotton candy at FirstEnergy Stadium to a bunch of Ohioans who think cotton candy is a vegetable. To commemorate the occasion, Goodell hosts a press conference in which he applauds his ability to "forgive and forget" and compares himself to Jesus.
SEPTEMBER 2021: A Lockout
Actually this one’s not a joke. NFLPA honcho DeMaurice Smith has all but confirmed it. Hope you kids like baseball!
NOVEMBER 2022: Gatorade Gate
After another heated AFC East matchup, Jets quarterback Blake Bortles accuses Tom Brady’s totally-not-a-Terminator-exo-skeleton of covertly replacing the Patriots’ classic sideline Gatorade with G2 in order to gain a low-calorie edge on the competition. After 12 excruciating seconds of deliberation, Goodell sentences Brady to death by burning, selling the live broadcast rights to ESPN. Early buzz out of Bristol suggests Stephen A. Smith will host the SportsCenter Special.
MAY 2023: Goodell Mercilessly Booed During the First-Ever NFL Draft in Guam
Backstage he cries and pounds his fist on a map. “How far must I run?!” he shouts. No one answers.
MARCH 2024: London Finally Get Its Franchise
In 2018, Tottenham’s new dual “football” stadium will open its doors in North London, beginning a decade-long partnership with the NFL that will see a minimum of two games preseason played on its retractable, NFL-specific field surface. The end game for both the NFL and Tottenham Hotspur? A full-time groundshare with the NFL's first-ever foreign expansion franchise. Goodell, desperately searching for a legacy statement, will push through the unveiling of the London Bridges, dragging Big Ben’s corpse out of retirement and bringing the wild hordes of western Europe to heel under the yolk of good ol' American football. Surely this plan cannot fail. IT MUST NOT FAIL.