The Loop

9 etiquette tips for the clueless tournament patron

Waste Management Phoenix Open - Round Three

Christian Petersen

It was back in 2018 at the Arnold Palmer Invitational, and Rory McIlroy had just claimed his first PGA Tour victory in two years with a final-round 64 that had golf fans basking in the warm glow of Runaway Rory nostalgia. It wasn't all iced tea and lemonade that weekend, however. After posting his 67 on Saturday, Rory sounded off on a heckler who had been shouting his wife's name repeatedly over the course of the round, suggesting a quick fix for the PGA Tour's seemingly growing asshole problem: Sell less booze.

It was a simple solution, but also a controversial one given the army of good ol' golf boys still double-fisting it up and down fairways following action on the PGA Tour. It was in that moment that we decided it was time for a brush-up on the etiquette of watching golf. Perhaps if we—drunken golf idiots of America—can master these simple rules, we can save our kidney-pureeing free-for-all from extinction.

Moms/daughters/sisters/wives/girlfriends are off limits

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Gregory Shamus

If you absolutely have to heckle a player, make fun of their shoes...then schedule an appointment with your therapist who probably won't call you back because you're a monster human.

Never walk across another patron’s line...of sight

Here's looking at you, seven-foot guy in the top hat who somehow always sidles in front of me mid Rickie backswing. 1865 CALLED, ABE, THEY WANT THEIR LANKY-ASS PRESIDENT BACK.

Try not to stand in a player's line either...

Unless it gives you the best angle for your dead sprint to the next tee, in which case do what you need to do.

Leave the Female Body Inspector shirt (and other assorted Spencer’s attire) at home

Arnold Palmer Invitational presented by MasterCard - Round Three

Tracy Wilcox

Somebody wake up full-Tiger-suit guy. He needs to hear this.

Every third beer should be a water

No, Smart Ass, Bud Light does not count as water.

Snapchat during the follow-through, not the backswing

Waste Management Phoenix Open - Round Three

Chris Condon

Also applies to Instagram Stories, Facebook Stories, Angry Birds Stories, Google Maps Stories, Bedtime Stories, and the six trillion other apps that do exactly the same thing.

Occasionally check to see if your umbrella is jabbed into another human’s eyeball

Take it from us, St. Andrews looks a hell of a lot better without an eye patch.

Always Purell after the porta potty and before the hot dog stand

Golf - The Open Championship 2010 - Round Two - St Andrews Old Course

Lynne Cameron - PA Images

This is how zombie outbreaks start. For the sake of mankind, pack your own Costco vat of gelatinous rubbing alcohol (which you can also sip on once PGA prohibition goes into effect.)

Only one “baba booey” per round

This is being generous, so shut up and pick your moment wisely.