Simply Divine

You can now purchase wearable wings, although they do pose some problems

May 1, 2018

Look, it’s not like we don’t want to walk around with an enormous, life-sized, fully functional set of angel wings strapped on our backs. They’re awesome! They make us feel strong! Because, like you, we at The Loop are majestic beautiful angels, capable of achieving anything we put our minds to: writing that novel, crushing Pebble Beach, folding fitted sheets, pretending Jordan Spieth is looking right us when he waves to the gallery. (We’re totally friends.)

We are talking about The Crooked Feather, an actual company devoted to the production and sales of enormous wings that runs a lively Instagram and makes way more money than you think. The company was started by Alexis Noriega, who designs then builds the costumes and, in the field of homemade wing production, is crushing it. Wings cost between $1,000 and $3,000, and Noriega is booked two months out, so if you need to get a Halloween order in, move now.

We are all for individuality and manned flight, but the fact is wearing a set of 12-foot-wide wings on your back can make daily life fairly inconvenient, which is one of the reasons most people stopped doing it. (Also, all those gruesome deaths at the cliffs.) Sure, having actual flying would simplify some of your daily errands, such as taking out the garbage and kindergarten drop-off and commuting through downtown Manhattan. (If everybody had wings the subway would stop running TOMORROW. Well it’s already probably not running tomorrow, but this would be on purpose.) But they’re just not very practical, particularly if your office building has doors. So while we truly appreciate the care, ingenuity and deep internet weirdness that went into these, we have nonetheless written the following list of Pros and Cons of Wearing Wings Around All Day Long. While in the air, obviously.

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PRO

Well you can pretty much walk into any church you want for the rest of your life

CON

Immediate disqualification from American Ninja Warrior

PRO

Will be a huge hit with kindergartens, school groups and field trips

CON

Spending most of your nights sucking up feathers with the wet-vac

PRO

Expressing your individuality in a singularly beautiful way

CON

Surfing = nightmare

PRO

Investing in fine homemade craftsmanship

CON

When Augusta National gets all like, “Sir, we told you to leave those in the car, and this is your last warning”

PRO

No longer have to come up with a Halloween party costume idea for the rest of your life

CON

All those punk bastards trying to bump into you with their drones

PRO

All the fun of actual wings without having to go through molting

CON

You have to buy like six consecutive seats on the airplane

PRO

Two solid years of f**king cleaning up at beauty pageants

CON

Side-eye from all those pretentious twerps at the hang-gliding rental place

PRO

“Oh, you have a Batman costume? That’s cute”

CON

You can write CAUTION, ACTUAL WINGS all over the box and FedEx is still like ugh, whatever, and chucks it all over the place

PRO

You can brag “Man I must have flown 70 miles today” to all those bros at the gym

CON

Revolving doors

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