Searching for a last-second Valentine's Day gift? Buddy, Cupid has answered your prayers, and answered with vigor.
For those not following him on the hellscape that is Twitter, former MVP and human-hot-dog-who-has-been-left-on-the-gas-station-metal-roller-too-long Jose Canseco has been aggressively pitching a love-filled excursion this holiday weekend. And what does this romantic getaway entail? Perhaps scintillating stories about his past soirees with Jenna Jameson and Madonna? Or tips on how to become a best-selling author? Maybe even a detailed breakdown of how Tony La Russa turned a blind eye to the juicing ways of the late-'80s Oakland A's?
No no, my friend; Canseco is cooking up something special just for you: a little golf, mixed with a search for Big Foot and aliens.
Now, you're not NOT going to call that number, right? (Thinking) Good point, nothing could possibly go right. We tried anyway, because #journalism. But alas, the mailbox was full.
Probably for the best. The Finding Bigfoot crew took nine seasons to try and find the furry fella and came up empty. Can't imagine the guy who produces gems like these...
...cracking the code. Plus, there's a 99.9 chance Canseco was going to hit on your significant other anyway.
We know a night by the fire, eating popcorn and watching Hitch doesn't sound like a very creative Valentine's Day retreat. But at least you'll be safely inside, thereby lowering your odds of an alien abduction. A truer show of love you cannot give.