The Loop

Yes, there actually is a golf-related slasher film called "The Greenskeeper" that stars John Rocker

January 06, 2017

File this under things you just can't make up: John Rocker, one of the most controversial baseball players in recent history, once starred in a golf-related slasher film called The Greenskeeper.

Or could someone make this up? That was certainly my first thought when I saw this tweet:

But to make a fake movie poster like that would require a lot of work. I decided to investigate by turning on the TV and doing a Netflix search. No dice, but the streaming service did provide a list of "Titles related to The Greenskeeper." Hmm.

I probably should have checked Google first, but when I did. . . boom!


So this really is a REAL movie that was released in 2002. And it really stars John Rocker. How had I NEVER heard about this? The most amazing part? Rocker was still an MLB pitcher at this point!

The cast also includes Ron Lester ("Billy Bob" from Varsity Blues), who sadly passed away last year of liver and kidney failure. And there's Melissa Ponzio, who had a recurring role on The Walking Dead and who is currently in Chicago Fire.

So what's The Greenskeeper about? Wait, before we ruin the plot for you, here's the entire movie!

If you don't plan on watching it like I did (probably a wise decision), here's a quick summary:

There's an aspiring screenwriter, Allen, who works as an assistant greenskeeper at his family-owned golf club. But before he inherits the club on his 25th birthday, his evil uncle decides to kill him so he can take over. Instead of just killing Allen, though, he goes on a killing spree so the motive won't be obvious. "Besides," he says, "less members makes it easier to get a good tee time." Fair point.

The uncle pins all the murders on "The Greenskeeper" (Rocker), who is actually Allen's mutilated dad, long thought to be dead, but who has been living in a shack in the woods. This required quite a makeup job. Of course, the evil uncle's plan gets spoiled in the end and he winds up being decapitated by a lawnmower blade.

But that's just one of the fun, golf-related deaths! Before the uncle dies, he kills Rocker by jamming a sprinkler head into his chest (somehow it spins around shooting blood). An unsuspecting golfer gets clubbed to death by a 4-iron. Another guy gets murdered using a ball-washer machine! And an unlucky couple gets killed with a hole cutter while hooking up on one of the course's greens.

But Rocker steals the movie with his heartfelt dying words. "Allen, I'm sorry If I hurt anybody."


How about that makeup job?! Allen doesn't seem too shaken up by learning his dad is alive or nearly dying or having a bunch of his friends murdered, though, and he proceeds to start making out with his new girlfriend. And thus, "The Greenskeeper," a golf cult classic movie I'd somehow never heard of until today that stars a well-known athlete, ends. I swear I didn't make any of this up.