No matter your background, heritage or history, I think we can all agree that, when it comes to funerals, the worst part is planning the music. Untold amounts of time are spent with family members gathered around a solemn meetingplace, hands folded, heads down, everyone wondering the same thing: What are going to do about the sick beats?
Apparently, Twitter does this, because Twitter is full of terrible people, and as such Twitter last week assembled a list of Very Bad Songs to Play at Your Funeral. But what makes a song truly bad for a funeral? Isn’t there a gray area involved here? And who’s to say one person’s “Sunrise Sunset” isn’t another person’s “Free Bird?” (Look, I lived in Jacksonville for like a year, things are different there.) To that end, a few humble thoughts on Twitter’s worst-ever funeral songs. (Incidentally, at my funeral, please just play GNR’s “Don’t Cry” on repeat — the one from “Use Your Illusion I” NOT “II.” That’s very important.)
“The Final Countdown” - Europe
Pro: Epic. Dramatic. Powerful. Plus, your aunt will recognize it from that insurance commercial, so you’ll have something to talk about for 15 seconds.
Con: Tough to get timed fireworks to shoot off around an indoor casket.
“Another One Bites the Dust” - Queen
Pro: Yeah, I know, but I have at least 12 relatives who would find this hilarious.
Con: As ironic funeral songs go, it’s a little on-the-nose. Generally speaking, satire works best when there’s a little angle on it, so obviously that goes double for when you’re trying to be hilarious in a funeral home. Maybe try a little bit of a deeper-cut Queen selection, like “I Want to Break Free,” or maybe “Tie Your Mother Down”?
“Let’s All Go to the Lobby” - Every drive-in movie theater in the ‘70s
Pro: No idea how this ended up on Twitter’s list, and it might be a little zippy for a funeral, but on the plus side, it might encourage people to actually go to the funeral home lobby, which is where they have mints and a water fountain.
Con: You’ll have this stuck in your head the whole time you’re kneeling next to an open casket.
“Peanut Butter Jelly Time” - The Internet In 2002
Pro: You can mix your nostalgia for good times with the deceased with nostalgia for the internet before it was ruined by all the very bad humans.
Con: Hard to feel appropriately sad with the whole room getting down.
“Cold as Ice” - Foreigner
Pro: There are worse things that turning your funeral into the drive-time non-stop rock block on 105.9 Milwaukee’s Classic Rock Station.
Con: If you accidentally get the music stuck on a Foreigner playlist, your funeral is gonna suck.
“Ice Ice Baby” - Vanilla Ice
Pro: Come to think of it, this is preferable to Foreigner. Is Vanilla Ice preferable to Foreigner? Now there’s something I’ve never previously considered.
Con: Not as good as “Ninja Rap”.
“I Think We’re Alone Now” - Tiffany
Pro: All the older folks will recognize the original; the only-slightly-less older will recognize Tiffany.
Con: When everyone gets into fistfights about which version is better.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” - Wham!
Pro: Come on, this would be super-fun! Bonus points if you show up in CHOOSE LIFE shirts.
Con: You’d have to start mourning George Michael too, and that would be distracting.