Bad Playlists

Which of these songs is the worst pick for your funeral?

August 21, 2017
Paul Natkin Archive
Paul NatkinFreddie Mercury of Queen on 9/19/80 in Chicago, Il. (Photo by Paul Natkin/WireImage)

No matter your background, heritage or history, I think we can all agree that, when it comes to funerals, the worst part is planning the music. Untold amounts of time are spent with family members gathered around a solemn meetingplace, hands folded, heads down, everyone wondering the same thing: What are going to do about the sick beats?

Apparently, Twitter does this, because Twitter is full of terrible people, and as such Twitter last week assembled a list of Very Bad Songs to Play at Your Funeral. But what makes a song truly bad for a funeral? Isn’t there a gray area involved here? And who’s to say one person’s “Sunrise Sunset” isn’t another person’s “Free Bird?” (Look, I lived in Jacksonville for like a year, things are different there.) To that end, a few humble thoughts on Twitter’s worst-ever funeral songs. (Incidentally, at my funeral, please just play GNR’s “Don’t Cry” on repeat — the one from “Use Your Illusion I” NOT “II.” That’s very important.)

“The Final Countdown” - Europe

Pro: Epic. Dramatic. Powerful. Plus, your aunt will recognize it from that insurance commercial, so you’ll have something to talk about for 15 seconds.

Con: Tough to get timed fireworks to shoot off around an indoor casket.

“Another One Bites the Dust” - Queen

Pro: Yeah, I know, but I have at least 12 relatives who would find this hilarious.

Con: As ironic funeral songs go, it’s a little on-the-nose. Generally speaking, satire works best when there’s a little angle on it, so obviously that goes double for when you’re trying to be hilarious in a funeral home. Maybe try a little bit of a deeper-cut Queen selection, like “I Want to Break Free,” or maybe “Tie Your Mother Down”?

“Let’s All Go to the Lobby” - Every drive-in movie theater in the ‘70s

Pro: No idea how this ended up on Twitter’s list, and it might be a little zippy for a funeral, but on the plus side, it might encourage people to actually go to the funeral home lobby, which is where they have mints and a water fountain.

Con: You’ll have this stuck in your head the whole time you’re kneeling next to an open casket.

“Peanut Butter Jelly Time” - The Internet In 2002

Pro: You can mix your nostalgia for good times with the deceased with nostalgia for the internet before it was ruined by all the very bad humans.

Con: Hard to feel appropriately sad with the whole room getting down.

“Cold as Ice” - Foreigner

Pro: There are worse things that turning your funeral into the drive-time non-stop rock block on 105.9 Milwaukee’s Classic Rock Station.

Con: If you accidentally get the music stuck on a Foreigner playlist, your funeral is gonna suck.

“Ice Ice Baby” - Vanilla Ice

Pro: Come to think of it, this is preferable to Foreigner. Is Vanilla Ice preferable to Foreigner? Now there’s something I’ve never previously considered.

Con: Not as good as “Ninja Rap”.

“I Think We’re Alone Now” - Tiffany

Pro: All the older folks will recognize the original; the only-slightly-less older will recognize Tiffany.

Con: When everyone gets into fistfights about which version is better.

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” - Wham!

Pro: Come on, this would be super-fun! Bonus points if you show up in CHOOSE LIFE shirts.

Con: You’d have to start mourning George Michael too, and that would be distracting.


WATCH MORE VIDEOS FROM THE LOOP

MORE FROM THE LOOP
Monday Superlatives

Wimbledon 2019 was the sunset of legends

July 15, 2019