The Loop

The New England Patriots are a sucker punch to the solar plexus of goodness

October 22, 2018

Did you see this f*$&$# b*&$%&#??? I barely even watch the NFL anymore outside Twitter, but when I heard that a Hail Mary pass came up a half yard short of glory, I knew that the New England Patriots must be involved. Watch what happens when a good, honest, wholesome team like the Chicago Bears tries to do something cool against a collection of soulless ghouls led by Satan himself:

Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup.

(I seethe for approximately 20 minutes.)


Of course it was the Patriots. This was the same team who stopped Patrick Mahomes—the man who is literally the only good thing about the NFL in 2018—a week ago. This was the same team who did this to the Seahawks in a Super Bowl they definitely should have lost:

This is the same team that looks kind of mediocre at the start of every season, and then, before you understand what's happening, they have the best record in the AFC and are about to turn the Super Bowl into a holy war that you can't enjoy until it's over. Have they lost a couple Super Bowls along the way, including two hilarious ones to Eli Manning? Sure. Does it make anything better? Does it change the fact that anyone who pays even peripheral attention to the NFL lives inside their psychological orbit, and has done so for what feels like 30 years now? Does it change the fact that Belichick, now 66, will probably live until 120 and make 45 more Super Bowls, and that we'll never live to see the day when we're free of the Patriot scourge?

No, it does not. This team is a constant sucker punch to the solar plexus of all that is good and just in the universe, and we live in their hellish kingdom.

Sports Insult of the Week: "Neo-Colonialist"

Can you tell we're living in extremely political times? If you can't, just listen to Panthers safety Eric Reid, who was angry enough at Eagles safety Malcom Jenkins to call him a "sellout" and, yes, a "neo-colonialist" after their game on Sunday:

More context here:

Reid and Jenkins had a mini-spat before the coin toss, and those post-game interviews were Reid's reluctant attempt to explain what happened. As Reid said, he believes that Jenkins "co-opted" the movement started by Colin Kaepernick and was close to helping the NFL squash player demonstrations in exchange for donations to his charity (among others). That led Reid and others to leave the co-called Players Coalition, which eventually finalized a deal with the NFL in May. Quite clearly, the bad blood from that split persists, and for what has to be the first time in NFL history, we have one player calling another a "neo-colonialist." Welcome to 2018! (And 2019, and 2020, and...)

The Magic Loogie Incident of the Year: Rajon Rondo vs. Chris Paul

After the Rockets and Lakers had a classic NBA mini-brawl, there was some question about whether Rajon Rondo actually spit on Chris Paul, as the Rockets guard claimed. Then some super slo-mo video came out, and proved his case. You really owe it to yourself to watch the entire altercation in slo-mo here, but if you just want the good stuff, this video will do the trick. WARNING: LOTS OF SPIT:

As NBA Reddit (the best website in existence) noted, this also puts to rest the "Carmelo Anthony Second Spitter Theory." Watch here and die.

This is all especially hilarious after the immediate reaction from Rondo and the Lakers was "outrage" at the accusation, and a narrative quickly emerged that Paul was "flopping" again.

In the end, though, there's no real justice: Rondo got hit with a three-game suspension for spitting and punching, but Paul got two games for...being mad that someone spit on and punched him? Then again, the Rockets are a pretty annoying team, so maybe that factored into the NBA's decision.

Hilarious NBA face of the week: Gary Harris, Denver Nuggets

The Nuggets dealt the Warriors their first loss of the season, but it was Gary Harris' face that was the real victory. Watch this expression, which I can only call "impish," after he stripped/fouled Kevin Durant:

I don't want to get weird, and this is a weird word, but Gary Harris is one naughty dude.

I'm so sorry.

Walk-off of the Week: This Walk-off Block!

Speaking of the Nuggets: A walk-off block is truly rare, but that's exactly what the man called JUANCHO delivered on Sunday night when Steph Curry dished to Damian Jones for what looked like the game-tying bucket:

This angle is even cooler:

The Nuggets are fun! The Nuggets are good! Juancho is the honcho!

Trae Young Thing of the Week: Trae Young, Hawks

He's already doing what we knew he'd do. Watch these highlights from an 18-point second quarter that included three bombs:

The best thing about it is that the Hawks came back from a double-digit deficit to take the lead, which just shows Young's Curry-like ability to get hot and totally change a game. He finished with 35, and after that second quarter the Hawks never looked back, winning by 22 for their first win of the season. Don't get me wrong: The Hawks are bad. But there's a future in which they get a better coach, add some better players, and maybe, just maybe, end up as a poor man's version of the Warriors. If you're a Hawks fan, that's way more than you had any right to hope for, and in the meantime you get watch Trae Young be Trae Young. Not bad!