America, Golf Yeah

The most unabashedly patriotic ways to play golf like an American this July 4th

July 3, 2019
Insperity Invitational - Final Round
Darren Carroll

It's Independence Day, America. A time to reflect on our forefathers, freedoms, and, more importantly, golf. Just take a trip down to the local muny this weekend, and you'll see what exactly we mean, with droves of golf-loving Yanks descending on tee boxes from Portland to Portland to enjoy America's Other Pastime and probably escape their screaming families too (America's Other Other Pastime). But with the holiday comes a whole new set of rules and regulations to observe in order to not only keep the country club powers-that-be happy, but also those down on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. So without further ado, we present America's first-ever Fourth of July Golf Constitution to help guide your game from amber waves of grain to purple mountain majesties and everywhere in between.

Do: Use a souped-up non-conforming driver to celebrate your God-given right to bear arms

Don’t: Blast “Party in the U.S.A.” at full volume on your bluetooth speaker when in earshot of surrounding groups

RELATED: The best Team USA uniforms in Team USA history

Do: Threaten to secede from your club because you don’t like the elimination of the caddie program (repeat for a variety of trivial issues every six to seven months)

Don’t: Be afraid to wear a red, white, and blue outfit that clashes horribly and may or may not have caused an accident on the way to the course in the name of America

Mike Ehrmann

Don’t: Be afraid to break the 18th Amendment (prohibition) to uphold the 21st (the repeal of prohibition)

Do: Exercise your right to protest the new pin position on 12

Don’t: Forget to use your First Amendment right to scream at the slow group in front you taking Instagram selfies with the ball washer

Do: Cap your tyrant club president to two terms

Don't: Import any foreign liquids in your bag. High Life, on the other hand, is encouraged

Jim Heimann Collection

RELATED: Will PETA interrupt the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest? That and the rest of our favorite prop bets

Do: Embrace capitalism by betting on every single four-footer

Don't: Invest in that Pro-V1. There’s water right on eight and trees left on seven

Do: Shout “FAKE NEWS” at the top of your lungs when you’re buddy says that 80 was really more like an 84

MORE FROM THE LOOP
Monday Superlatives

It's too hot for sports with pants

14 hours ago