Stars n' Stripes

The most unabashedly patriotic ways to play golf like an American this July 4th

July 02, 2024

Harry How

It's Independence Day, America. A time to reflect on our forefathers, freedoms, and, more importantly, golf. Just book a tee time down at the local muny this week, and you'll find droves of golf-loving Yanks descending on clubhouses from Portland to Portland to enjoy America's other pastime and escape their visiting relatives (AKA America's other other pastime). But with the Fourth of July comes a whole new set of rules and regulations to observe in order to keep the country club powers-that-be (plus those down on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue) happy. So remove your hat, put your hand over your heart and join us as we recite the pledge of golf allegiance, with liberty and birdies for all.

Do: Use a souped-up non-conforming driver to celebrate your God-given right to bear arms.

Don’t: Blast “Party in the U.S.A.” at full volume from your cart ... at least when in earshot of other groups.

Do: Threaten to secede from your club because you don’t like the elimination of the caddie program (repeat for a variety of trivial issues every six to seven months).

Don’t: Be afraid to wear a red, white, and blue outfit that clashes horribly and may or may not have caused a fender bender in the parking lot in the name of Uncle Sam.

Singles Matches - 2014 Ryder Cup

Mike Ehrmann

Don’t: Be afraid to break the 18th Amendment (prohibition) to uphold the 21st (the repeal of prohibition).

Do: Exercise your right to protest the new pin position on 11.

Don’t: Forget to use your First Amendment right to scream at the slow group in front you for filming TikToks with the ball washer.


Do: Limit your tyrant club president to two terms.

Don't: Import any foreign liquids (Heineken, Molson, Modelo etc.) in your bag. Budweiser, on the other hand, is encouraged.

Do: Embrace capitalism by betting on every single four-footer.

Don't: Buy stock in that Pro-V1. There’s water right on eight and trees left on seven.

Do: Shout “FAKE NEWS” at the top of your lungs when you’re buddy says that 80 was really more like an 84