How to play golf like an American this Fourth of July
Andy Lyons
It's Independence Day, America. A time to reflect on our forefathers, freedoms and, more importantly, golf. Just book a tee time down at the local muny this week, and you'll find droves of golf-loving patriots enjoying America's other pastime (while also avoiding their in-laws, AKA America's other other pastime). But with the Fourth of July comes a whole new set of rules and regulations to observe in order to keep golf's power brokers—not to mention those down on Pennsylvania Avenue—happy. So remove your hat, put your hand over your heart and join us as we recite the pledge of golf allegiance, with liberty and birdies for all.
Do: Use a a hot non-conforming driver to celebrate your God-given right to bear arms.
Don’t: Blast “Party in the U.S.A.” at full volume from your cart ... at least until you're out of earshot of the clubhouse.
Do: Threaten to secede from your club because they just punched the greens without telling you (repeat for a variety of trivial issues every six to seven months).
Don’t: Be afraid to wear a red, white and blue outfit that looks like a Rocket Pop and may have just caused a fender bender in the parking lot.
Don’t: Be afraid to break the 18th Amendment (prohibition) to uphold the 21st (the repeal of prohibition).
Do: Exercise your right to protest rollback.
Don’t: Use the First Amendment to justify screaming at the slow group in front you for filming TikToks with the ball washer.
Do: Limit your tyrant club president to two terms.
Don't: Import any foreign liquids (Heineken, Guinness, Modelo) in your bag. Budweiser, however, is tariff-free.
Do: Invest in your short game by betting on every single four-footer.
Don't: Buy stock in that Pro-V1. There’s water right on eight and trees left on seven.
Do: Shout “FAKE NEWS” at the top of your lungs when you’re buddy says that 82 was really more like a 92.