The Loop: PGA Tour Secret Admirers

MATH WE DON’T HATE

1,200

Seats at the Beer Barrel Saloon, the world's longest bar

20,000

Seats at the Waste Management Phoenix Open's 16th Hole

PRESIDENTIAL (GOLF) STYLE THROUGH THE YEARS

ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL WITH YOUR FUTURE CLUB PRESIDENT

5:30 A.M.

Rise and grind

7 A.M.

Photo op with maintenance

9 A.M.

Send monogrammed Pro V1s to various greens-committee members

NOON

Deliver keynote campaign speech. Remember to . . .

• Unveil campaign slogan: “The future is a drivable par 4!”

• Distance self from previous administration’s disastrous cart path-only policy

• Promise to build fence along border with nearby public course; announce the public course will pay for it

2 P.M.

Release attack ad accusing opponent of improper drop at last year’s member-guest

4:30 P.M.

Dinner with the Lady nine-holers

PUPPY BOWL: GOLF EDITION

NAME: SCOTTY

OWNER: MAX HOMA

KNOWN FOR: BEST TWITTER IN THE PFL

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NAME: WILSON

OWNER: PADRAIG HARRINGTON

CLAIM TO FAME: PGA ROOKIE PUP OF THE YEAR

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NAME: LEIA

OWNER: JIMMY WALKER

HERO: BARKY SANDERS

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NAME: LOLA AND GATSBY

OWNER: MICHELLE WIE

POSITION: WIDE RETRIEVERS

HOW TO SPEND YOUR GOLF LEAP DAY

Color code your scorecard pencil collection

Rewrite the Rules of Golf in iambic pentameter

Send apology letters to all the groups you hit into the previous year

Hand-knit replica of Nick Faldo’s 1990 Masters sweater

Build TPC Sawgrass island green in a bottle

SECRET ADMIRERS OF THE PGA TOUR

“TIGER, YOU HAVE ME SEEING SUNDAY RED.”

—A HUMBLE PATRON

“BRYSON, YOU RAISE THE BAROMETRIC PRESSURE IN MY HEART.”

—A FELLOW SCIENCE LOVER

“PHIL, LET’S SHARE A PHIRESIDE TOGETHER.”

—A CALF ENTHUSIAST

“HIDEKI, MY HEART SKIPS A BEAT WHEN YOU PAUSE AT THE TOP.”

—A QUICK TRANSITIONER