The Loop
December 20, 2019

The Loop: PGA Tour Secret Admirers

MATH WE DON’T HATE

1,200

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Seats at the Beer Barrel Saloon, the world's longest bar

20,000

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Seats at the Waste Management Phoenix Open's 16th Hole

PRESIDENTIAL (GOLF) STYLE THROUGH THE YEARS

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ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL WITH YOUR FUTURE CLUB PRESIDENT

The President's Putter at Rye Golf Club

David Cannon

5:30 A.M.

Rise and grind

7 A.M.

Photo op with maintenance

9 A.M.

Send monogrammed Pro V1s to various greens-committee members

NOON

Deliver keynote campaign speech. Remember to . . .

• Unveil campaign slogan: “The future is a drivable par 4!”

• Distance self from previous administration’s disastrous cart path-only policy

• Promise to build fence along border with nearby public course; announce the public course will pay for it

2 P.M.

Release attack ad accusing opponent of improper drop at last year’s member-guest

4:30 P.M.

Dinner with the Lady nine-holers

PUPPY BOWL: GOLF EDITION

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NAME: SCOTTY

OWNER: MAX HOMA

KNOWN FOR: BEST TWITTER IN THE PFL

● ● ●

NAME: WILSON

OWNER: PADRAIG HARRINGTON

CLAIM TO FAME: PGA ROOKIE PUP OF THE YEAR

● ● ●

NAME: LEIA

OWNER: JIMMY WALKER

HERO: BARKY SANDERS

● ● ●

NAME: LOLA AND GATSBY

OWNER: MICHELLE WIE

POSITION: WIDE RETRIEVERS

HOW TO SPEND YOUR GOLF LEAP DAY

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Color code your scorecard pencil collection

Rewrite the Rules of Golf in iambic pentameter

Send apology letters to all the groups you hit into the previous year

Hand-knit replica of Nick Faldo’s 1990 Masters sweater

Build TPC Sawgrass island green in a bottle

SECRET ADMIRERS OF THE PGA TOUR

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“TIGER, YOU HAVE ME SEEING SUNDAY RED.”

—A HUMBLE PATRON

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“BRYSON, YOU RAISE THE BAROMETRIC PRESSURE IN MY HEART.”

—A FELLOW SCIENCE LOVER

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“PHIL, LET’S SHARE A PHIRESIDE TOGETHER.”

—A CALF ENTHUSIAST

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“HIDEKI, MY HEART SKIPS A BEAT WHEN YOU PAUSE AT THE TOP.”

—A QUICK TRANSITIONER