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The iPhone 8 is rumored to have several new features, maybe even some of these

August 31, 2017

On September 12, Apple is expected to announce its 10th-anniversary iPhone 8 (or “iPhone X,” depending on which anonymous French technology-leak blog you believe). And, like every iPhone announcement over the past 10 years, this one comes with months of pre-release hype, the subject of epic advance buildup that’s basically the nerd-world version of McGregor v. Mayweather, only with fewer belly tattoos. As such, a full and largely-accurate recap of all the current iPhone 8 rumors:

--50 things you used to like will now be gone.

--New “virtual home button” will float next to your device in midair.

--Will be unlocked via your face, or a picture of your face, or a picture of any close relative, or in my case pretty much any Jeff Goldblum GIF.__

--More memory for taking hundreds of consecutive pictures of your feet on a beach.

--Birds now 40% angrier.

--Will feature magnetic-induction charging, which means your minivan will now need to contain at least three separate ways to charge an Apple device.__

--Sleeker design makes it easier to shatter on the concrete pool deck.

--New camera sensor will enable better depth detection and allow more accurate autofocus, which is real good news for a device many people use to take shitty pictures at concerts.

--Increased resolution retina display make Twitter look 30% stupider.

--Facebook videos will be auto-ignored, saving you the trouble of doing so yourself.

--Waterproof casing means it’ll last slightly longer when your toddler drops it in the toilet.

--Flash now works from 2,000 yards away. HA! Just kidding, no it doesn’t but keep trying at basketball games, idiots.__

--Siri, like your real friends, gets audibly bored with you.

--Has it been a few years since they pointlessly redesigned the Music app? So yeah they’ll probably do that again.

--Features an OLED display, which will be great once you figure out what that is.

--Using three-finger gestures on the screen will make it do some utterly random shit you absolutely did not mean it to do.

--There’s some extra tiny cord you need now.

--Will include several new augmented-reality capabilities, to help you further escape your unmanageable real one.__