When You Gotta Go
February 26, 2018

The inevitable questions an NHL player asks when dealt at the trade deadline

Lots of professions might see fit to relocate you—if Gary from sales wants to spot-reassign you to Grand Rapids, Mich., there’s not a lot you can do about it, even though Gary’s a fat sweaty jerk who wants you out of the office because he’s threatened by your success. But few employees are repositioned as speedily as our valuable professional athletes, who can be traded at a moment’s notice, without any warning all, to hypothetically someplace like Detroit, expected to suit up in a matter of hours and only notified because some 15-year-old retweeted SI’s hockey writer. (The world is awful.)

New York Islanders

B Bennett

To that end, today marks the NHL’s trade deadline, which means by 3 p.m. many of your favorite hockey players and other assorted Slovakians will be moving to entirely new environments (to say nothing of the rich-ticket MLB free agents who are watching spring training begin from the comforts of Scott Boras’s waiting room). But even hockey players are humans, and you can’t just spot-move without planning! To that end, we at The Loop helpfully provide this series of questions that you, the relocated NHL player, can ask when you’ve just been traded:

(Potential follow-up) 1a. Where the hell is Columbus? Which Columbus are we talking about? Every state has a goddamn Columbus, sometimes like four of them, please be specific.

Helping hand for newcomer: Maple Leafs' new defenceman; Tracy Pratt (centre) gets help with his lugg

Mike Slaughter

5a. If the answer is no and you just received a bunch of fifth rounders and some Olive Garden gift cards, can you please just lie to me?

6a. Wait, do they actually still deliver mail?

6b. If the mail cannot be forwarded, can you ask someone from my old team to stop by my house and pick it up? I’ve got some Amazon Prime orders I don’t want left on my patio, and obviously I’m not letting those people in the house.

7a. Please provide me a plausible lie I can tell my wife about the city she will inevitably hate.

12a. Please let it not be the Panthers.

Ninety-Nine All Stars Tour

B Bennett

16a. No cake? Nothing? Jerks. I bet Gretzky at least got some brownies.