Lots of professions might see fit to relocate you—if Gary from sales wants to spot-reassign you to Grand Rapids, Mich., there’s not a lot you can do about it, even though Gary’s a fat sweaty jerk who wants you out of the office because he’s threatened by your success. But few employees are repositioned as speedily as our valuable professional athletes, who can be traded at a moment’s notice, without any warning all, to hypothetically someplace like Detroit, expected to suit up in a matter of hours and only notified because some 15-year-old retweeted SI’s hockey writer. (The world is awful.)
To that end, today marks the NHL’s trade deadline, which means by 3 p.m. many of your favorite hockey players and other assorted Slovakians will be moving to entirely new environments (to say nothing of the rich-ticket MLB free agents who are watching spring training begin from the comforts of Scott Boras’s waiting room). But even hockey players are humans, and you can’t just spot-move without planning! To that end, we at The Loop helpfully provide this series of questions that you, the relocated NHL player, can ask when you’ve just been traded:
- Where am I going?
(Potential follow-up) 1a. Where the hell is Columbus? Which Columbus are we talking about? Every state has a goddamn Columbus, sometimes like four of them, please be specific.
Is the team pretty good?
Is the team any good?
Have I been kicked to a bottom-feeding craphole?
- If I have been kicked to a bottom-feeding craphole, did you at least get anything good in return?
5a. If the answer is no and you just received a bunch of fifth rounders and some Olive Garden gift cards, can you please just lie to me?
- Where should I forward my mail?
6a. Wait, do they actually still deliver mail?
6b. If the mail cannot be forwarded, can you ask someone from my old team to stop by my house and pick it up? I’ve got some Amazon Prime orders I don’t want left on my patio, and obviously I’m not letting those people in the house.
- Is my wife going to like it there?
7a. Please provide me a plausible lie I can tell my wife about the city she will inevitably hate.
What is the school situation like in the new town? Do they have them?
Does my Sam’s Club membership transfer out of state? My freezer of waffles is NOT going to replenish itself.
Does anybody go to see hockey in this new town?
What is the locker-room situation? How many years of accumulated soap-funk am I going to be dealing with here?
Am I going to one of those cool states with no income taxes? Because that would really help me out right now.
12a. Please let it not be the Panthers.
What is the Chipotle situation in this new town, is it like an on-every-corner situation or do I have to drive over by a Whole Foods? This is important.
Am I near a beach? I hope I’m near a beach. I know I play hockey but I’d still like to be in a warm place that has a beach. (Unless it's the Panthers)
How long do I have to get to the new place? Are they sending a car? A plane? Do I have to pay for my own checked luggage? I have like 90 bags, you know, and I don’t want to put up with a lot of crap from Delta?
Will there be time for a going-away party, because I gave my heart and soul to the old team for years and feel I am owed at least a small cake.
16a. No cake? Nothing? Jerks. I bet Gretzky at least got some brownies.
Is it too late to play in the Olympics? It is? Russia did? Of course Russia did.
What are the odds I’m going through this shit again next year?