British OpenJuly 17, 2015

Ten things harder in golf than the Road Hole at St. Andrews

"My reputation grows with every failure."

Google tells me this comes from Irish poet George Bernard Shaw. But you can't trust things you read on the Internet (expect this piece, of course), which makes me believe it actually emitted from St. Andrews' Road Hole.

Widely recognized as the hardest hole in golf, the 17th at the Old Course lived up to its billing during the first round of the British Open. Players posted a whopping 4.83 scoring average on the Road Hole, with zero birdies registered. For a frame of reference, the Old Course's 570-yard, par-5 5th boasted an average of 4.5 on Thursday.

Begging the question: is there anything harder in golf than conquering the Road Hill? The list is short, but distinguished:

  • Getting Jim Furyk fired up. You could punt his vanilla yogurt out of his hands and the man wouldn't blink. Related note: why doesn't Five-Hour Energy play off of Furyk's set-in-stone demeanor? It's an untouched pool's worth of material. Instead, they go at it straight. What a bigger waste than Ty Tyron.

  • Playing Augusta National. One time a girl I was dating asked, "If you had one wish, what would it be?" And before I could respond, she blurted out, "Mine is to be with your forever!" When prodded for my answer, I said to play Augusta. Epilogue - we are no longer together.

  • Reaching the 18th hole in two at Deerwood during the U.S. Open.

  • C__elebrating in a non-ostentatious manner after a putt-putt hole-in-one__. Aren't you kind of a jerk if you handle mini-golf with honor and grace?

-Hitting a 1-iron. As Lee Trevino once said, "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron."

  • __Wearing an ivy cap and knickerbockers__to a public course and not getting your butt kicked.

  • Catching Miguel Angel Jimenez in an awkward moment. Technically, this shouldn't be on this list; our inventory is supposed to have difficulty, but not impossibility. No way the Mechanic would have an embarrassing experience. Unless he's having one just to see how it feels.

  • Executing a Happy Gilmore swing with successful contact if you're over the age of 25.

  • Driver off the deck. No commentary, because for real: it's so damn tough.

-Rooting against John Daly. If this is applicable, find your nearest religious representative and ask for penance.

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