Stupid Golf Problems: I’m a member of the ‘slow group.’ How do I fix it?
ANDY BUCHANAN
I recently received a reader email from a golfer who had to come clean.
No, he did not commit a crime. He did not cheat on his spouse or lie in a job interview. Yet, still, he was “ashamed” to admit who he was ...
A GASP COVID golfer.
So, too, are his three buddies. Four hardened criminals. They disgust me.
I joke, but, as this reader understands, there has certainly been a negative connotation placed on the term “COVID golfer”, or, “COVIDIAN” as they are known in the darker corners of Golf Twitter. COVIDIANs are the reason every hat either has upside-down lettering or a rope on it. COVIDIANs are the reason the tee sheet is full everywhere, and no one on said tee sheet seems to have any clue how to act on a golf course. COVIDIANs are why YouTube Golf is booming.
While they’re may be some sliver of truth to all those things, it’s unfair to place all your current golf pet peeves on the shoulders of the COVIDIAN. There are folks who have played this game multiple decades who still don’t know where to park the cart when they get to the green. There are lifers who think it’s the walkers, not the riders, that are slowing everything down. At private clubs all over this country, members still need to be constantly reminded to fix their pitch marks. None of us are perfect.
This reader is just one of the few to actually cop to not being perfect. And to cop to an actual golf crime – the crime of being a member of the “slow group”:
I’m almost ashamed to write this, but….I regularly play with three close friends who got our start during Covid. We’re all mid to high handicappers. I’m the most serious of the group, and stay focused on pace of play.
That’s where the problem occurs. Our group is known as being slow, and that drives me crazy. We’re often told to speed up. My friends will do their best when told, but by then the damage is done. And while I hate it, they take it in stride.
I hate to always be “that guy,” and these are good friends, so I’ve stopped talking about it and just do my part to play ready golf. Besides “manning up,” any suggestions on how to handle this stupid golf problem?
First off, good on you for at least trying to keep it moving. That is half the battle. I, like you, am often the most-serious player in my group, and sometimes it’s as simple as leading by example. Walking ahead to your ball and being ready to play your shot. Dropping off your partner and taking the cart to your ball. Saying “you can drop by me” to a struggling chopper who has just hit two out of bounds, making them think they are getting away with one when in reality you’re just trying to stop them from reload numero tres.
If the rest of the group is still not picking up what you’re putting down, and the ranger, or the group behind, is still on your ass, then you unfortunately might have to “man up” and play dad. Personally, with my very close friends I’ve known for a long time who still have a Madden Awareness Rating of 40 on the course, I have no issue saying “Tom, the ball is gone, you are not finding it three miles into the woods, drop here and let’s go.”
But not everyone handles someone being “that guy” in stride, and I understand not wanting to offend. The best way to handle that might be to introduce one of your group’s particular slow-play problems by saying “WE” need to be better in this particular area. Maybe on the first tee you say “Hey, guys, let’s do double-par max today. Pick up when applicable.”
Hell, you could even challenge the group and make a game out of it. Can we get around in 4:15? Can we put the pressure on the group ahead as opposed to the group behind putting it on us? If you have the means, tell the group that if we don’t get called out by the ranger at all today, the first round of beers is on you. Gamify it if you have to.
Above all else, though, I’d still do your best to lead by example. And if you get crap for being the stickler, that’s a helluva lot better than being chastised by the ranger or the group behind.
Do you have a "stupid" golf problem? A question you're too ashamed to ask your close friends? A conundrum that needs to be talked out in a public forum? We're here to help. If you have etiquette-related inquiries or just want to know how to handle some of the unique on- or off-course situations we all find ourselves in, please let us know. You can email me (chris.powers@wbd.com) or send me a DM on Twitter/X (@Cpowers14) or on Instagram (@cpthreeve).