Stupid Golf Problems: Am I an a** for enforcing the rules?
It’s hard to pick any one line as my favorite in the 1998 cult classic “The Big Lebowksi,” because there are far too many to choose from, but I think I most enjoy the moment when John Goodman’s character Walter Sobchak sees a man named Smokey go “over the line” while rolling an eight in bowling. Walter tells The Dude (Jeff Bridges) to mark it zero since Smokey broke the rules, and Smokey wasn’t having it.
“It’s just a game man,” says The Dude. Walter informs them it’s a league game, that the winner moves on to the next round. He asks them “Am I wrong? ... Am I wrong??" Smokey continues to plead his case, then goes to mark down his score of eight. In order to get his point across, Walter then pulls out a loaded gun in the bowling alley and tells Smokey he’s entering a world of pain if he marks down an eight.
“HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE CRAZY?!?!?” Walter screams. “AM I THE ONLY ONE AROUND HERE WHO GIVES A S—T ABOUT THE RULES?!?!?!”
Why am I rehashing this all-time movie scene? Well, because it reminded me a lot of what took place in the final episode of the much-ballyhooed Internet Invitational.
On the very first hole of the final match, which pitted the three-player teams of Instagram sensation Paige Spiranac, Good Good’s Malosi Togisala and Barstool’s Frankie Borrelli against Good Good’s Brad Dalke, the late Cody “Beef” Franke of Foreplay and comedian/fellow Barstool employee Francis Ellis in alternate shot, Spiranac sets the tone of the entire day with one salty throwaway line. After not being given a short, sliding putt in the million-dollar match, Spiranac says “that’s crazy,” later adding “that just shows you’ve never played competitive golf.”
Spiranac did, in fact, play competitive golf both at the collegiate and professional level, as did Dalke, who was a part of the team that did not give her side the putt. It could be a fair line if it weren’t for the fact that eight holes later, Spiranac was caught on camera tamping down some fescue to improve the lie for Togisala’s upcoming shot. After Togisala hit a perfect recovery shot, many of the spectators on hand began to whisper about the incident, and it was Ellis who decided they had to be called on it.
This moved Spiranac to tears, and she claimed she “didn’t know she couldn’t do that,” a preposterous thing to say after calling someone out for never having played “competitive golf.” Their team lost the hole anyway, so the point was moot, but in actual match play it would have been a loss of hole. In stroke play, a two-stroke penalty. Surely, Spiranac should have known that with all her years of competitive experience.
Fortunately for Paige, all the attention shifted to her teammate, Togisala, just a few holes later. Togisala was being accused of using the slope function on his rangefinder, another clear rules breach. When he had heard of the potential accusation from former NHLer Ryan Whitney, who had bet money on his team, Togisala immediately speedwalked to his cart and began fidgeting with the rangefinder, leading viewers to believe he had flicked off the slope function before anyone could check it. The slope function, for those unaware, calculates the distance to the hole adjusted for elevation. With that function on, two numbers would show up on your scope: the distance to the hole and the actual number you should play the shot based off the uphill or downhill nature of it. For a very solid player like Togisala, at a course like Payne’s Valley, which has a ton of elevation change, you could certainly make the case that it gave him and his team an advantage. Multiple clips from prior episodes later came out that indicated Togisala may have very well had the slope on. Also, Dave Portnoy, the Barstool Sports founder and the one who was making the rules for the event, clearly stated in the first episode that the function had to be turned off. This became the focal point of the final episode.
Now, to bring it back to Lebowski. When the slope chatter began and word started to spread, it eventually made it back to the two teams, at which point the team being accused—Togisala, Spiranac, Borrelli—acted offended at the idea of the rules being enforced. “Can we just play some golf here?” was, I believe, a line Borrelli kept repeating. Much like Walter Sobchak, the people attempting to enforce the rules in situations like this one are treated as “crazy” or “unfair.” In Walter’s case, pulling out a gun did make him crazy. But nobody was holding Spiranac, Togisala and Borrelli at gunpoint. Between the slope possibly being on Togisala’s rangefinder and Spiranac’s tamping down of the grass, they probably should have had to forfeit the match right there. Instead, they got to play on, and the golf gods handed them a heavy dose of karma on the final hole, when Borrelli skulled one across the green and lost the million-dollar match.
One million dollars is key here. This bring us to my original question – are you an a** if you enforce the rules? I think there is some very key context to consider when answering this question.
If you are playing in ANY sort of competition, be it at your club, your local muni, the Internet Invitational or a USGA event, someone, much like Walter, simply has to enforce the rules or there is anarchy. As for rounds with your buddies, does anybody want to be the annoying rules stickler? Well, that depends.
A perfect example is any time I play with a certain person. Let’s call him my brother. Let’s say his name is Jack. Jack can be fast and loose with the rules when we’re just out playing for fun, which I could care less about. We’re all like that when we’re just whacking it around and going through the motions with nothing on the line. You play everything lateral. You scoop up the four-foot knee-knocker. You take the mulligan. You say “I’m just going to drop out here... in the fairway ... even though my ball went seven miles into the woods.” None of us are making it to the PGA Tour. It’s all good.
HOWEVA, and this is a problem I often run into with Jack (this is his actual name. And he’s actually my brother. I hope he reads this and he’s getting angry), sometimes we all like to play a match for money. Maybe it’s $5. Maybe it’s $10. Maybe, between presses and junk and whatever else, it ends up being $40. These are the types of rounds where Jack has trouble understanding that it is now time to play by the rules. No, you cannot drop there. No, that putt is not good. Yes, you do have to re-tee. It’s in these moments where Jack, and people like him, begin treating you like YOU are the a**hole for daring to enforce the rules. “WHAT IS THIS?! THE PGA F---ING TOUR??” is a classic line Jack always trots out. It’s not, but it’s also not rumpus time anymore, bud. Put the ball in the effing hole. And when you do, tell me to go eff myself. That’s what it’s all about.
In the Internet Invitational, they were playing for ONE MILLION DOLLARS, and the losing team had the audacity to be offended that rules questions arose. It was one of the more absurd things I’ve ever seen, but also something I’m all too familiar with as the guy who has to call friends out every once in awhile (it’s not just you, Jack). People who don't follow the rules absolutely despise when you ask them to. It makes them feel small. It makes them realize that, all this time, they've been living a lie. In reality, it's just about being fair.
My advice for people like this going forward would be to live by my Golden Rule: if you are playing for money, any value over $1, you have to enforce the rules. Does this mean breaking out the literal Rules of Golf booklet and turning to page seven when a situation arises? No, but every one who plays long enough has an idea of what's OK and what's not OK amongst friends. When in doubt, make sure the entire group comes to an agreement on how to handle a certain situation, be it where a ball last crossed a penalty area or how many club lengths of relief you get from the cart path. And, by the way, it’s perfectly fine to establish your own set of rules, but do so on the very first tee. “Guys, we’re playing everything lateral today. All good?” or “It’s a little wet out there, we want to roll it over in the fairways? Lift, clean and place?” or “Ton of leaves out there guys. If we have any lost ball issues we’ll discuss where to take a free drop. Fair?” Again, no one is locking up a Masters invite, but with some skin in the game, you should all strive to keep things as fair as possible. That way no one is throwing the C-word around and, win or lose, you can all enjoy a beer and some light smack talk afterward without plotting someone's murder (we kid, we kid).
Do you want to know the No. 1, semi-controversial way to remove all issues from your money match? Put. The. Ball. In. The. Hole. Rattle the bottom, every time. I promise, you will have no issues with one another if you do this. Of course, some people think it slows play down, but most just want their four or five three-footers to be "good" so they can say they shot 89 instead of 92. You will sleep much better at night if you hole out every time. I can’t be the only one around here who gives a sh-t about the rules.