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Study revealing link between intelligence and profanity is the best f#%king news you'll hear all day

August 28, 2017

It is generally accepted that cursing is a negative, according to the people who decide such things, such as my junior high school librarians, organizations with the words “Parent” and “Concern” in their titles, whatever pencil-necked FM-radio buttercup made Charlie Daniels record the “son of a gun” version of “Devil Went Down to Georgia,” Bill Cosby back when we thought he could offer ethical commentary and pretty much everyone during my Confirmation ceremony, and sorry again, Father, but if you don’t want people to kick over candles maybe don’t put them right on the altar stairs.

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Well, to all those people (except the priest) I say F**K RIGHT OFF, especially Cosby, because I have here a fandamntastic study, produced by an actual American university, which links high intelligence with people who regularly use profanity, with the clear exceptions of Bob Knight, anybody who sits behind me at University of Kentucky basketball games (no YOU do that to a horse, sir) and all associates of the Insane Clown Posse, except Shaggy 2 Dope, as he always did seem like the reader.

In a poll of 1,000 participants, researchers at the freezing-balls University of Rochester (official motto: “Go fucking Yellowjackets”) discovered a link between people with high intelligence and people who regularly dropped profanity, not like precipitous-decline Lenny Bruce type stuff, or the material on the George Carlin tapes my parents bought me for some reason, or what you say when the nail gun doesn’t do what you were expecting, but just a casual “mothereffer” or “fudge” or “bollocks” or “collywobbles” now and again. (Note, I am not sure “collywobbles” is a curse word, and will update this part as soon as I consult with a British person.)


The findings, published in a journal called Personality and Individual Differences (it’s the issue with Robert Pattinson on the cover), were part of a larger study that compared signature behaviors across different personality types. Subjects were quizzed on 400 behaviors, and researchers analyzed their responses to issue such actual findings as “extroverts like telling dirty jokes” and “agreeable people tend to sing in the shower,” in case you wondered if outgoing people like being funny, or positive people enjoy singing.

Researchers went on to say that regular-swearers are more likely to eat spicy breakfasts and stroll around the house naked, which begs the question: What sort of Sith devilry are Rochester researchers using to land their funding? Is there no cancer up there to work on? Look, I’m not trying to be some internet jackass telling you what to study, but America as a nation has like seven months left, so let’s prioritize our spending before the republic crumbles, jeez.

Anyway, as a verified provider of Hot Takes and a father of two, I humbly submit that when it comes to studies about salty language, I could not give less of a damn. I try not to curse around my children, but then the 13-year-old and I fire up Mario Kart 8 and that little mop-topped collywobbles brains me with a red shell ten feet before the finish line, and listen I can’t be responsible for all my words. The same goes for when we read the morning news. And if we all collectively got over the nonsensical notion of “bad words” anyway, maybe I could expect to listen to songs from Apple Music and not have it play the stupid loser jerk sh-tty edited version, which NOBODY LIKES, STOP DOING THAT. Besides, it’s not like I can’t tell what Kanye is saying anyway, you dumb f-cks.